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| In this picture, I was 33 years old, and I thought I was fat. I'd be happy to be that "fat" again. |
Originally posted on my facebook page on April 16, 2013:
Warning - I'm just writing this as it flows out of me. I may ramble. I
may have typos. I may be sharing too much information. But, here it
goes...
I have body image problems. Most women do.
When
I was in the best shape of my life, I was young, and I also exercised a
lot using a whole variety of muscles. At that time, I thought I was
big. Now, I look back, and I still have a warped view because I know I
wasn't big, but that little mean girl voice in my head says "yeah, you
weren't big, but you were still one of the biggest ones of the group".
Warped, I know. But that's what the voice inside my head says.
When
I was the thinnest of my life, it was because I loaded myself with diet
pills. Not exactly the best way to be thin. That mean girl voice is
still there. This time it says although I was my thinnest, I still
wasn't thin. At my thinnest, in my adult life, I wore a size 6
(sometimes) or an 8 (mostly). So, that's not really that "thin" at all
comparing to all the size 2s and 0s out there. But, I'd be very, very
happy to be that size again.
I've done most all the "diets" - Weight Watchers, Atkins, Cabbage Soup, Lite N Easy, and more.
As I stated before, I've taken diet pills - both medically supervised and some I bought online.
I've been borderline bulimic for years.
I'm
now close to the biggest I've ever been in my life. Actually, I'm 15
pounds less than the biggest, because I've lost 15 pounds since the
start of the year. I'm aware of all the things that I need to do to
lose weight, better yet, to be healthy. I struggle to do those things.
I've had suggestions of diets, healthy eating, exercise
programs, etc. Unfortunately, I like food that is bad for me, and I
don't particularly care for exercising. That combination does not lend
itself to a fit, healthy shape. My mind and my body are at war.
I'm
not writing this for sympathy. I'm not writing this to have people
tell me lots of compliments. I'm just letting it flow out of me because
it's something that I hold in so much there's times I feel like I'm
going to explode. Or cry. Or crawl in bed and pull the covers over my
head. I don't want to explode, or cry, and I'm at work, so I can't
crawl in bed. So, I'm taking ownership of these feelings and this
problem, and I'm writing.
Now that I've spilled all of that out of me, maybe I weigh a pound or two less? ;)
