Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Thoughts # 1 - Battle with my Body

In this picture, I was 33 years old, and I thought I was fat.  I'd be happy to be that "fat" again.

Originally posted on my facebook page on April 16, 2013:

Warning - I'm just writing this as it flows out of me.  I may ramble.  I may have typos.  I may be sharing too much information.  But, here it goes...

I have body image problems.  Most women do. 

When I was in the best shape of my life, I was young, and I also exercised a lot using a whole variety of muscles.  At that time, I thought I was big.  Now, I look back, and I still have a warped view because I know I wasn't big, but that little mean girl voice in my head says "yeah, you weren't big, but you were still one of the biggest ones of the group".  Warped, I know.  But that's what the voice inside my head says.

When I was the thinnest of my life, it was because I loaded myself with diet pills.  Not exactly the best way to be thin.  That mean girl voice is still there.  This time it says although I was my thinnest, I still wasn't thin.  At my thinnest, in my adult life, I wore a size 6 (sometimes) or an 8 (mostly).  So, that's not really that "thin" at all comparing to all the size 2s and 0s out there.  But, I'd be very, very happy to be that size again. 

I've done most all the "diets" - Weight Watchers, Atkins, Cabbage Soup, Lite N Easy, and more.
As I stated before, I've taken diet pills - both medically supervised and some I bought online.
I've been borderline bulimic for years.

I'm now close to the biggest I've ever been in my life.  Actually, I'm 15 pounds less than the biggest, because I've lost 15 pounds since the start of the year.  I'm aware of all the things that I need to do to lose weight, better yet, to be healthy.  I struggle to do those things. 

I've had suggestions of diets, healthy eating, exercise programs, etc.  Unfortunately, I like food that is bad for me, and I don't particularly care for exercising.  That combination does not lend itself to a fit, healthy shape.  My mind and my body are at war. 

I'm not writing this for sympathy.  I'm not writing this to have people tell me lots of compliments.  I'm just letting it flow out of me because it's something that I hold in so much there's times I feel like I'm going to explode.  Or cry.  Or crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head.  I don't want to explode, or cry, and I'm at work, so I can't crawl in bed.  So, I'm taking ownership of these feelings and this problem, and I'm writing.

Now that I've spilled all of that out of me, maybe I weigh a pound or two less?  ;)  


  1. I think most of us struggle with this! Tonight I was at Zumba, and I looked around the room and I was suddenly hit with the realization that the room was full of women of completely different shapes, sizes, ages...and it just made me happy. That makes me sound like a weirdo, but anyway, it just made me think about how all shapes and sizes are beautiful. But then sometimes I still look at myself in the mirror and make faces and a mean commentary goes through my head. I have good and bad moments for sure!

  2. love this post girl. i totally have a warped view of myself, even myself in the past when i knew i was skinny or whatever. like when i was in hospital with an eating disorder, i can still see how big my hips were. crazy! crazy talk. i wish i could wave a magic wand and make us all love ourselves, because no matter the size, that is what matters.


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