Thursday, July 30, 2015

Worth revisiting: My own "Dark Places"

This post was originally published one year ago today. The message is important to me, so I am sharing it again.

I apologize if what I'm about to write will make some uncomfortable.  I apologize if what I'm about to write is better left unsaid.

Many people in my life know various versions of the truth to this story, but almost all don't know the whole truth.  That's because I've felt like I should keep it secret.  I've carried guilt, shame, embarrassment, self-doubt, and self-hatred.  I doubt I will even tell the "whole" truth here because I still carry guilt, shame, and embarrassment.  But, I will share some of my story to try to exorcise some demons inside me, to hopefully bring awareness and understanding regarding those of us that carry negative feelings for a significant portion of our lives.

I read the Houston news on a daily basis.  I have a routine - Houston news, USA news, Australian news, World news.  In the state of Texas, the age of consent for sexual relations is 17.  In 2003, Texas passed a law making it illegal for a teacher and student from the same school to have a sexual relationship regardless if the student is 17 or 18 (age of consent).  Since that time, Houston news quite regularly reports stories about an educator that has been arrested and charged with having inappropriate relationships with students.  As is the case with many criminal allegations, especially those of a sexual nature, there is controversy and varying opinions surrounding these cases.

I've always stated that I respect other people's opinions.  I do.  I've been described as opinionated, so I want others to hear me out (when I'm ready to share) and show respect.  You don't have to agree with me; I don't have to agree with you.  Sometimes when people disagree, this allows for a great opportunity to learn, hear another perspective on an issue, and grow.  State your opinion, but always do so in as respectful a manner as possible.  That is my opinion on giving opinions.  Am I making sense?  I do NOT respect other people's opinions or necessarily want to give them an opportunity to share that opinion if the person is being disrespectful.  It does a lot more harm than good (in my humble opinion).

So...that being said... When I read news reports about alleged inappropriate relationships between a teacher and a student, and I read or hear opinions that are calling the student a "slut" or saying they knew better or were asking for it or "it takes two to tango" (and often comments much, much harsher than this, but this is all I can bring myself to type), I can't help but feel anger, frustration, and the ever present guilt, shame, and embarrassment.  Let me tell you why.

I was that 17 year old student.  I did know better.  I was an intelligent student who was involved in many school activities.  I didn't smoke, and I wasn't promiscuous.  I drank alcohol on 3 occasions in high school, and I can honestly say, I don't think I ever saw drugs my entire high school tenure (except ones shown to me by a police officer). My family wasn't perfect; we had some issues, but I was raised in a Christian home with strong values, and I never doubted my parents' love for me.  Most of my friends were "good kids" and many of my friends' parents were very good to me as well.  So, yes, I knew better.  I knew right from wrong.
Me - my Senior year of high school
I can also say I was manipulated.  I was manipulated by a teacher ten years older than me who was respected, attractive, spoke well, and had a Master's Degree.  He groomed me when I was 16 but didn't act on it until I was 17.  He convinced me that my parents were neglecting me.  He promised to take care of me and give me more security and love than I was receiving.  He tried to convince me that my choice of worship was not good enough; that his choice of faith was better for me.  He encouraged me to separate myself from some of my friends, yet keep others that could cover for us.  Yes, I knew better than to get involved with him, but I was still young enough and impressionable enough that his ploys messed with my head, my heart, my emotions, my decision-making skills.  He definitely used his age, experience, and status to manipulate the situation for his favor.  Typing this, I still feel guilt, shame, and embarrassment.

Eventually, I married this man when I was 19; and I was divorced by 21. During that time, I moved to another part of the country to be with him. His control and manipulation of me continued. When my body began to change (as a woman's naturally does during those years), our intimacy level dropped, and he told me my weight gain "repulsed" him. I went from 120 pounds to 133 pounds was the most I weighed when I was with him. Hardly repulsive.

It took many years of hiding from the aftermath of this relationship.  It took many years of trying to numb my pain or avoid my feelings or fake being strong or laugh and joke about the matter.  All these years, I've carried some pretty deep, dark scars from this relationship.  In recent years, I've finally been able to work through the "stuff".  I've been to therapy.  I read books and articles and blogs.  I relate to various people - from victims to addicts - and their stories of hitting dark places and overcoming them.  I work on myself and try to live and grow.  I pray and sometimes meditate and journal (which I should do more frequently).  I have a partner who encourages me to face the dark and painful past and be open, vulnerable, and honest.  (Previously, I've had a partner who laughed at me and called me an "idiot" for getting myself into such a relationship and another that barely believed me and another who said "you were 'that' girl" and never talked about it again...I understood 'that' wasn't a good girl.)

Was I "That" Girl?

I still struggle at times.  For instance, in writing this piece, well, it hasn't been easy.  I've written, deleted, written again, deleted...  I still have a hard time thinking of myself as a victim.  At that time, there was no felonious law in Texas to criminalize his behavior.  If our relationship happened in 2004 or 2011 or today (anytime since the law was passed in 2003), he would be guilty of committing a felony, and I would be a victim.  The guilt, shame, and embarrassment that I still fight to this day doesn't allow me to grasp this and acknowledge it.  I'm still working...............

I am not writing this or sharing this for you to feel sorry for me or to judge me.  I am sharing so we can all realize passing judgment or sharing hurtful opinions can further damage those that are carrying heavy burdens already.  Lift someone up instead of tearing them down.  Be respectful when you share your opinions.  Empathize with others.

23 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to read this. You definitely were not 'that girl.' Like you said, you were young and impressionable and he manipulated you. I can't believe how unsupportive some of your other partners were about it too--I'm glad you've got one who is good to you now! People take things to extremes now, making comments like that with judgments about people and situations they know nothing about. It's pretty upsetting to see some of the hateful comments that are always out there now.

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  2. Wow, I am just stunned. I am so sorry this happened to you. Clearly, someone in a position of power who takes advantage of an underage girl is a despicable person. I actually know of someone (I know her parents, but not really her who is in the same situation. It's tearing her family apart and breaking their hearts. I can't even fathom the kind of "man" that would do something like that.

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  3. I don't judge you at all. You were you and impressionable and sometimes persons older - teacher or otherwise take advantage. I did crap as a teenager and early twenties too. No judgement here and I love the message at the end. You're a gem (btw beautiful photo - who could be repulsed by that?)

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  4. I am so sorry you had to go through that experience. He used his position to take advantage of you. e is THAT guy, you are NOT THAT girl. You are so brave to share your story and that makes you strong.

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  5. Shocked to read this, not out of judgment or ridicule but just that you were taken advantage of and he knew better. You were young, naive and trusting and to abuse his power of authority is wrong on so many levels. I do think it takes two but that doesn't take away the manipulation and how he groomed you into being this person to carry out wrongful actions that he knew better to make. I fkn can't stand people that use their stature or place in society to manipulate and control someone. Sick.

    We all have our demons, don't we? No one knows what each person's struggles and we need to be more loving, accepting and open so that there are no barriers and people can feel they can actually talk about what's going on with them and in a their lives.

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  6. You're brave girl. I'm not so sure I could put my dark past out there for all to read and judge. Maybe someday it'll be a part of healing and letting go.

    Have a lovely evening darlin xo

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  7. I don't think we can every really know fully or judge someone else's mistakes and painful experiences. We all have deep dark secrets you are just brave enough to write about yours! I'm so ashamed and embarrassed of a couple parts of my life but I will probably never share them with anyone. I don't know you and I just started reading your blog via Steph BUT I'm proud of you for sharing your story! I know it couldn't have been easy to tell us internet strangers all about this.

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  8. Wow...just wow. Girl, you got me teary-eyed with this. I'm so sorry that you went through that & still have to fight those demons every day. How horrible. I'm so happy that you now have a man that treats you with the respect you deserve & that you didn't stay with that guy, that you got out & moved on to better things. I'd love to find that guy & have a word or two with him. Ugh. But just remember that you are amazing, I know this & will tell you everyday. Many hugs to you, girlie.

    Mandie ~ http://badbrewpack.blogspot.com/

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  9. Holy shit! Some people are just horrible Erin. I'm sorry you went through that. I've had my fair share of teen problems but this takes the cake. I hope you are better today and you can look past it and realize you are awesome :)

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  10. you know how i feel about this post, and you! kudos on sharing it again girlfran xxxx

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  11. Thank you for sharing. So sorry you had to experience that. I agree empathy is so important, as is thinking before speaking/typing...people should remember that when making such harsh judgments and name calling!

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  12. Wow. I'm so sorry for what you went through. You definitely don't deserve the shame and guilt that you've been forced to carry around.

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  13. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and it makes me so sad that people have made you feel shame or guilt about it!

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  14. Wow, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine carrying around all that guilt and shame, and for so long. I'm glad that you've found some solace and a partner who encourages and supports you now.

    People definitely need to empathize more, and judge less. We never know anyone's full struggle.

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  15. You are so strong and beautiful for telling your story <3

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  16. Thank you so much for sharing this. I am sure the internet trolls have all kinds of things to say about you and other cases like this and I find it appalling. People throw insults and hate so easily from behind their computers. Things that they would NEVER say to a person in real life. I think it is so brave of you to put this out there for others to read and possibly help someone else! xo

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  17. Thank you so much for sharing this. I am sure the internet trolls have all kinds of things to say about you and other cases like this and I find it appalling. People throw insults and hate so easily from behind their computers. Things that they would NEVER say to a person in real life. I think it is so brave of you to put this out there for others to read and possibly help someone else! xo

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  18. I am so sorry you had to go through this. It takes a lot of courage to share such a story so thank you very much for being so open about it. I cannot even imagine how hard this was (and is) for you! People are so judgemental and love to spread the hate, I just don't get it. I am glad you got away from this guy!

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  19. I know that you said that you didn't write this post for people to feel sorry for you, but I'm so sorry that happened to you because you definitely didn't deserve to be manipulated like that! You're a strong woman, and even though you've already made it through it, I know that you'll continue to work through the aftermath that I know you're still working through.

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  20. I used to be a high school teacher, even closer in age to my students than he was to you, and things like this absolutely sicken me. He absolutely took advantage of his position and victimized you and there is no excuse for that. It was his responsibility to be the adult, not yours, and you are not to blame for the manipulation you endured. I'm sure it's been a long, hard road but you should be proud of the woman you've become since then. You are beautiful inside and out!

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  21. as this is the first time i'm reading this, i just wanted to say how strong you are. and how none of it is your fault. thank you for sharing such a deep and emotionally raw part of your life. makes me realize how strong you really are :)

    xoxo cheshire kat

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  22. You know - I'm not sure I had ever read your full story - I knew there was hurt in the past & with an ex husband, but wow... what a strong person you are to have come through all this. Some people get under other's thumbs & get controlled & manipulated & NEVER see the truth in it. So proud of you for finding your own voice in this world & seeing how much you are worth!!!

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  23. This breaks my heart. Mostly because I completely understand being the victim and feeling guilty for being the victim! Of course, I knew better, I shouldn't have done so many things.. but I did.. and SOMEONE ELSE took advantage. How is that my fault? And by my I mean our.

    No matter what happened, we are strong independent women and we are awesome and no bullshitary from some dickwad will stop us!

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