Worth revisiting: Thoughts.11: Opinions

This post was originally published one year ago today. The message is important to me, so I am sharing it again.

I apologize if what I'm about to write will make some uncomfortable.  I apologize if what I'm about to write is better left unsaid.

Many people in my life know various versions of the truth to this story, but almost all don't know the whole truth.  That's because I've felt like I should keep it secret.  I've carried guilt, shame, embarrassment, self-doubt, and self-hatred.  I doubt I will even tell the "whole" truth here because I still carry guilt, shame, and embarrassment.  But, I will share some of my story to try to exorcise some demons inside me, to hopefully bring awareness and understanding regarding those of us that carry negative feelings for a significant portion of our lives.

I read the Houston news on a daily basis.  I have a routine - Houston news, USA news, Australian news, World news.  In the state of Texas, the age of consent for sexual relations is 17.  In 2003, Texas passed a law making it illegal for a teacher and student from the same school to have a sexual relationship regardless if the student is 17 or 18 (age of consent).  Since that time, Houston news quite regularly reports stories about an educator that has been arrested and charged with having inappropriate relationships with students.  As is the case with many criminal allegations, especially those of a sexual nature, there is controversy and varying opinions surrounding these cases. 

I've always stated that I respect other people's opinions.  I do.  I've been described as opinionated, so I want others to hear me out (when I'm ready to share) and show respect.  You don't have to agree with me; I don't have to agree with you.  Sometimes when people disagree, this allows for a great opportunity to learn, hear another perspective on an issue, and grow.  State your opinion, but always do so in as respectful a manner as possible.  That is my opinion on giving opinions.  Am I making sense?  I do NOT respect other people's opinions or necessarily want to give them an opportunity to share that opinion if the person is being disrespectful.  It does a lot more harm than good (in my humble opinion).

So...that being said... When I read news reports about alleged inappropriate relationships between a teacher and a student, and I read or hear opinions that are calling the student a "slut" or saying they knew better or were asking for it or "it takes two to tango" (and often comments much, much harsher than this, but this is all I can bring myself to type), I can't help but feel anger, frustration, and the ever present guilt, shame, and embarrassment.  Let me tell you why.

I was that 17 year old student.  I did know better.  I was an intelligent student who was involved in many school activities.  I didn't smoke, and I wasn't promiscuous.  I drank alcohol on 3 occasions in high school, and I can honestly say, I don't think I ever saw drugs my entire high school tenure (except ones shown to me by a police officer). My family wasn't perfect; we had some issues, but I was raised in a Christian home with strong values, and I never doubted my parents' love for me.  Most of my friends were "good kids" and many of my friends' parents were very good to me as well.  So, yes, I knew better.  I knew right from wrong.

Me - my Senior year of high school

I can also say I was manipulated.  I was manipulated by a teacher ten years older than me who was respected, attractive, spoke well, and had a Master's Degree.  He groomed me when I was 16 but didn't act on it until I was 17.  He convinced me that my parents were neglecting me.  He promised to take care of me and give me more security and love than I was receiving.  He tried to convince me that my choice of worship was not good enough; that his choice of faith was better for me.  He encouraged me to separate myself from some of my friends, yet keep others that could cover for us.  Yes, I knew better than to get involved with him, but I was still young enough and impressionable enough that his ploys messed with my head, my heart, my emotions, my decision-making skills.  He definitely used his age, experience, and status to manipulate the situation for his favor.  Typing this, I still feel guilt, shame, and embarrassment. 

It took many years of hiding from the aftermath of this relationship.  It took many years of trying to numb my pain or avoid my feelings or fake being strong or laugh and joke about the matter.  All these years, I've carried some pretty deep, dark scars from this relationship.  In recent years, I've finally been able to work through the "stuff".  I've been to therapy.  I read books and articles and blogs.  I relate to various people - from victims to addicts - and their stories of hitting dark places and overcoming them.  I work on myself and try to live and grow.  I pray and sometimes meditate and journal (which I should do more frequently).  I have a partner who encourages me to face the dark and painful past and be open, vulnerable, and honest.  (Previously, I've had a partner who laughed at me and called me an "idiot" for getting myself into such a relationship and another that barely believed me and another who said "you were 'that' girl" and never talked about it again...I understood 'that' wasn't a good girl.)

Was I "That" Girl?

I still struggle at times.  For instance, in writing this piece, well, it hasn't been easy.  I've written, deleted, written again, deleted...  I still have a hard time thinking of myself as a victim.  At that time, there was no felonious law in Texas to criminalize his behavior.  If our relationship happened in 2004 or 2011 or today (anytime since the law was passed in 2003), he would be guilty of committing a felony, and I would be a victim.  The guilt, shame, and embarrassment that I still fight to this day doesn't allow me to grasp this and acknowledge it.  I'm still working...............


This is a site for an attorney trying to get your business, but it has some good information about the criminal charge that I am discussing.  See this LINK. 

Oh, and if you'd like to know what happened to the teacher...Google gives so much information.  He married another girl that he met while she was in high school and a couple of years younger than me.  He has been named in a number of lawsuits.  He has been fired twice (I believe) in two different states from teaching.  He was issued a cease and desist order.  And then there is THIS.  Let's just say, it is my humble opinion that he has continued his manipulative behavior.  I am not putting this here to slander him; these are all pieces of public information found on the world wide web. And, I don't want to end this on a bad note.....so.......


 I am not writing this or sharing this for you to feel sorry for me or to judge me.  I am sharing so we can all realize passing judgment or sharing hurtful opinions can further damage those that are carrying heavy burdens already.  Lift someone up instead of tearing them down.  Be respectful when you share your opinions.  Empathize with others.

Thoughts #10 - Layers

Since the beginning, the background for my blog has been graffiti.  I looked through the choices available for free on blogger and selected it because I liked the colors.  From time to time, I want to change it.  I look through the selections again - patterns, prints, images; flowers, animals, nature - but nothing seems to be just right.  I know I can upload my own picture, but really, hardly anyone looks at my blog anyway, what's the big deal? 

I started thinking more about graffiti.  I actually like graffiti.  Sure, if it is vandalizing someone's home or place of business, I understand that's not so cool.  If it is gang-related, it is definitely NOT cool.  But, it's not always dirty and disrespectful; there IS graffiti that is artistic and meaningful.  I like the eclectic pieces with a mix of colors, layers, graphics, symbols, writings, textures, and meanings.  That kind of graffiti is awesome. 

Hey! - I'm kind of an eclectic gal with layers.  (I've also been dirty and disrespectful, but we won't talk about that now.)  So, maybe the graffiti background works for me after all. 

I searched google images with "graffiti".  Just from the first few rows of images, I found these amazing pieces of work:

Artist: David Walker/London, England - image snagged here

Artist: Unknown/Bogota, Colombia - image snagged here.

Artist: Vinie Graffiti/Paris, France - image snagged here.

Hi, I'm Erin, and I'm a book-a-holic

Previously, I posted about a book challenge hosted by Megan at Semi-Charmed Kind of Life.  I joined this challenge because I like books.  I like reading.  I like challenges (sometimes).  I'm not much of a participant in the blog-o-sphere world (as you know).  But, I do participate a lot on facebook.

So, I got to thinking..... 

I'm a Texan who lives in Sydney, Australia.  I am fortunate enough to have met and made friends with people that live not only in the USA and Australia, but other parts of the world as well.  So, I developed my own book challenge that I'm hosting on facebook.  This is the message that I sent to people to generate an interest:

Hello! I'm creating a group here on facebook. Before I invite or add you, and you start getting notifications that you may not want, I want to know if you're interested. If you're not, no worries. It won't hurt my feelings. If you are interested, let me know so you can be added into the fun. I'm creating my very first book challenge. For this one, I'm only inviting people I know. If I stumble or mess up, hopefully you can help me fine tune it, and it becomes a fun way to read and share with other reading enthusiasts. There will be some simple rules. I'll give you categories, and you select your books. You'll be asked to post your reading list and allowed to change it through the challenge. You'll get 4 months to take the challenge. No one is getting graded or penalized It's designed to be fun! As participants, you will be encouraged to interact with each other in the FB group which will only be open to those involved. The first one to read all your books, gets a small prize from me! Plus, the top 3 can help submit categories for my next challenge. (Yea, I'm hoping to do this twice a year). My goal is to create a reading community with readers from different age groups and varied interests that live all over the world. So, let me know if you're interested. I'll create the group and add you. Rules and book categories should be announced in July. Book challenge will be held August 1st through November 30th. When you reply, tell me how many books you read per month. I'll use every one's answer to create the list (I haven't decided how many books I will challenge you to read). 

The response was A-MAY-ZING!  Seriously, I am so thrilled with the response.   The group is a private group/invite only.  I started the invites then friends started asking if they could invite others too.  The group has over 100 members from 7 different countries with over 40 people actively participating.  Members range in age from 20s to 60s.  We have conservatives and not-so-conservatives; homos and heteros; Christians, Atheists, and Agnostics; mostly women and a couple of brave men; blondes, brunettes, and redheads. 

I describe the group page like this:

Book Challenge to be held July 1, 2014 - October 31, 2014
First and foremost, have fun. Don't stress. No one is being judged, graded, or penalized. Even if you finish one book the entire challenge, if you enjoy it and it is an accomplishment for you, then that's awesome!

Discussion is highly encouraged. Participate as little or as much as you want. Please be supportive and respectful of others. If you get disrespectful, inappropriate, or nasty, I will ban you...don't make me use my authoritative power!

Hopefully, we will create an environment with books and people that interest, inspire, and entertain you.

I altered the start/finish dates.  We had so much interest and seemingly, there was some excitement too, that getting started straight away made sense.  Heck, it's day 3 into the challenge, and a few members have already finished their first book!

I can't tell you how much I enjoy seeing the interaction between friends I've known since high school talk to friends I met in Australia to friends I lived with in college talking to family members.  It's such an amazing mix of people, and I am lucky enough to watch it all!  Plus, it has made me realize how fortunate I am to have some intelligent, funny, insightful, well-read people in my life.  All of you participants have made this girl feel super grateful.

For anyone who likes a good book, there are some incredible book selections coming in from all genres and types of books.  For example, one category is "Read a biography, autobiography, or memoir".  We have members reading everything from books about aging rock stars to biographies about military heroes to autobiographies from former first ladies (from both Republican and Democratic parties) to Anne Frank's diary to a book from a former alcoholic to books about the lives of certain actresses, and more (yes, more!).

So......................................if you haven't joined and are interested, it's not too late, it's never too late (sorry, I just broke into song in my head by Three Days Grace).  I'll let you get distracted too, and I'll post the song here:

Anyway.................................if you're up for interesting folks reading books, then ask to join my group!

Book #48

I finished reading Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis earlier this month, and I'm just getting around to writing about it.  I like music.  I read memoirs.  I am intrigued by rock stars (sometimes).  So, this book has been on my "to read" list for years.  I finally got around to it.

The good:  Anthony Kiedis is brutally honest.  I don't think he went into this project worried about what others would think about him.  He told his story from his perspective with complete openness and honesty (so it seems; those close to him may feel differently).  I give him credit for that because often I wonder if a publicist is standing over the shoulder of some other memoirs' writers making sure the subject still is painted in a picture they choose.  Kiedis had an interesting upbringing, became the lead singer of an influential band, shared many relationships with others, and succumbed to the readily available drugs.  He shares these stories in detail. He is unapologetic.  He seems to come from the mindset "I am who I am.  Take it, or leave it."  I applaud his honesty.

The bad:  Kiedis openly shares in detail about the romantic relationships that played an important role in his life.  That's fine.  Integral to his story.  What I found to be "bad" was the AGE of some of his female partners.  For instance, in the 1980s, he was in a long-term relationship with the actress Ione Skye (best know for her role in "Say Anything").  He met Skye when she was 15, turning 16.  He was mid-twenties.  Nowadays, that's criminal activity.  He published a picture of her topless when she was 18 (okay, that's legal).  She's not the only one.  He dated and/or had sex with groupies that were younger, some at an age that made me extremely uncomfortable.  Laws have changed.  Some parts of society have changed.  I know it happens.  But, I'm just not cool with his unapologetic story about him hooking up with a 14 year old groupie. His current girlfriend is 20, and he's 52.  Hey, at least she's legal.  Again, I know it happens.  I'm not a prude.  I've read other memoirs with rock stars doing the same thing (Ted Nugent, Steve Tyler, etc.), but they seem to acknowledge that the young age of the female partner was not the greatest thing, but it was something done at the time. 

Anthony Kiedis with Ione Skye

The ugly:  Although Kiedes is honest, yes.  He tells some nasty, dirty tales especially when he discusses his drug use, binges, rehab visits, relapses, overdoses, and the unsavory characters and circumstances surrounding this world.  He admits to his selfish behaviors.  But, what I found to be "ugly" is the fact that he seems to lack any introspection.  He tells the stories and experiences but tells us little about the effects he had on others and shows little to no remorse for this pattern of selfish behavior.  He comes off completely as a  self-absorbed, narcissistic, ego-maniac.  Actually, I think he is an ugly person.  Even after he got sober.  I still liked the book.  I like the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  I just don't have to like Anthony Kiedis.

"Summer Book Challenge"

I like books!  I like lists!  I like challenges (sometimes)!  I like summer (but, it is winter here in Australia)!  So, I'm going to join this Semi-Charmed Summer 2014 Book Challenge.  I'm late to the party because it started May 1st, but I was reading May 1st, so I can do this!

Drum roll please................because here's my list:

5 points: Freebie! Read any book that is at least 200 pages long.
Burial Rites by Hannah Kent
10 points: Read a book that was written before you were born.
For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway
10 points: Finish reading a book you couldn't finish the first time around.
A History of Prostitution by George Ryley Scott
10 points: Read a book from the children’s section of the library or bookstore.
I want to revisit one I remember to be a childhood favorite - either The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett or Where the Red fern Grows by Wilson Rawls
15 points: Read a book that is on The New York Times' Best Sellers List when you begin reading it.
Field of Prey by John Sandford
15 points: Read a historical fiction book that does not take place in Europe.
  The Art of Hearing Heartbeats by Jan-Philipp Sendker [set in the Burma]
15 points: Read a book another blogger has already read for the challenge.
Pending.............
20 points: Read a book with “son(s),” “daughter(s)” or “child(ren)” in the title.
The Son by Jo Nesbo
20 points: Read a book that was/will be adapted to film in 2014.
Trash by Andy Mulligan
25 points: Read a book written by a blogger.
Pending....................
25 points: Read a biography, autobiography or memoir.
Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis
30 points: Read a pair of books with antonyms in the titles.
Talking to Girls about Duran Duran: One Young Man's Quest for Love and a Cooler Haircut by Rob Sheffield and Dirty Rocker Boys by Bobbie Brown, Caroline Ryder

Book #47

I haven't written about my readings lately.  Oh, I've been reading.  I think the act of writing about each and every book got tedious and started to feel like a book report.  There are a couple that I've read, and I have thoughts to share.  I'll get around to that.  Today, I finished a book that inspired me to share it with other readers:  Burial Rites by Hannah Kent.

Not the kind of book I'd normally pick up to read. I almost always read books set in more modern times (1940s to present day). The cover and synopsis looked like some serious literature to me.  From www.goodreads.com:

In northern Iceland, 1829, Agnes Magnusdottir is condemned to death for her part in the brutal murder of two men.

Agnes is sent to wait out the time leading to her execution on the farm of District Officer Jon Jonsson, his wife and their two daughters. Horrified to have a convicted murderess in their midst, the family avoids speaking with Agnes. Only Toti, the young assistant reverend appointed as Agnes' spiritual guardian, is compelled to try to understand her, as he attempts to salvage her soul. As the summer months fall away to winter and the hardships of rural life force the household to work side by side, Agnes' ill-fated tale of longing and betrayal begins to emerge. And as the days to her execution draw closer, the question burns: did she or didn't she?

Based on a true story, Burial Rites is a deeply moving novel about personal freedom: who we are seen to be versus who we believe ourselves to be, and the ways in which we will risk everything for love. In beautiful, cut-glass prose, Hannah Kent portrays Iceland's formidable landscape, where every day is a battle for survival, and asks, how can one woman hope to endure when her life depends upon the stories told by others?

I'm certainly glad I didn't discard this one just because it is set in Iceland in the 1800s, and I was slightly intimidated by it.  What a beauty of a book; heavy with dark imagery, but beautiful nonetheless.  As I was reading, I wanted to know more and more of Agnes's story.  I became emotionally invested in her and other characters.  Some of the reviews on goodreads are wonderfully written as well.  This one summarizes the book so eloquently that I feel I need to share it as well.  Chrissie from goodreads says:

 I cannot write a review that can do this book justice. This is what goes through my head:

* I am so happy I give few books five stars, because then when I run into a book this good my five star rating means something!

* You need a strong stomach for this book. I have warned you.

* Once you start you will not be able to read or do anything else.

* There is NO humor in this book. I always need humor, except NOT here. Don't ask me why! I just didn't need it. I was riveted from start to finish. I needed to understand the relationships that lie at the core of what happened. I was so focused on understanding the why, I didn't have any need for humor. Humor simply doesn't belong in this book. This is Nordic historical fiction of times long past - there is hunger and cold and darkness. That is the way it was. And people living in such difficult times did such twisted things.

* The book is NOT spooky, it is atmospheric.

* The writing! Similes, metaphors - they are all just perfect. Stunning writing.

* You will be moved. Jeez, at the end...... No, not just at the end, all the way through.

* And this is very important. Do not read this book. Please, if you possibly can, listen to it. The narration by Morven Christie is totally fantastic. The Icelandic is perfect. The tempo is slow and it must be slow, so you can think about what is being said, so you feel the doom and darkness of the events. This is an excellently written book AND excellently narrated. BOTH!

Phew, after this I don't want another Nordic drama for a long time. My emotions cannot take it. I have been through a wringer with this one.

I assume you have read the book description, so you know that this story is based on true events. There is a chapter at the end that explains all the research involved. The author closely follows what is known. There are different views of Agnes' behavior, but the author has totally convinced my of what her study of the facts have lead her to believe.

This is one of the best books I have read/listened to this year.

I agree with everything Chrissie says except the need to listen to the book.  I read it, and it was still fantastic.  It moved me so much, that I may take Chrissie's suggestion and give it a listen too.  If you are a reader and lover of a good story, read Burial Rites.  

List #12 - 1990s Movies

My list of my favorite 1980s movies is here.

Now, it's the 1990s turn....

I stole the idea from Jenn here.

She stole the idea from Rolling Stone here.

The two listed above are fine lists with some true gems from the '90s. We all have our favorites (and not-so-favorites, for instance...I've never even seen The Big Lebowski - so, shoot me).  Both of the previous lists are in order of greatness.  Mine isn't.  I'm not that good.  I followed the school of thought again with how did the movie make me FEEL and can I watch the movie again and again?  Here's my faves (in no particular order):

1. Tombstone
2. Legends of the Fall
3. Shawshank Redemption
4. Forrest Gump
5. Good Will Hunting 
6. A Time to Kill
7. Saving Private Ryan
8. Life Is Beautiful
9. Schindler's List
10. Braveheart
11. Pulp Fiction
12. Se7en
13. Primal Fear
14. Fight Club
    
15. Sleepers
16. Silence of the Lambs
17. A Few Good Men
18. Independence Day (I understand this is not a "great" movie, but I can watch it over and over and over and over again)
19. Armageddon (same as above, and I cry every time)
20. Ghost
21. She's the One
22. Rudy
23. Dazed and Confused
24. Clueless
25. Pretty Woman