Thank you, marchers

Alyssa marched in Washington D.C.

Andi marched in Charleston WV.

Christina marched in Seattle.

Crissy marched in Portland.

Erin marched in Berlin, Germany.

Jennifer marched in London.

Julie marched in N.Y.C.

Kaity marched in Cincinnati. 

Kelly marched in San Diego.

Lauren marched in Houston.

Shelby marched in Austin. 

Steph marched in Washington D.C.

Tiffany marched in Houston.

Tracy marched in Washington D.C.

This list.  This list includes friends from my teen years, college years, young professional years, and blogger friends too.  This list is just a slice of a very, very large pie.  Some marched with friends, others with family, and several had their children with them too.  This list includes: a domestic abuse survivor who has worked with other victims and speaks in public forums about her experience; a child of Mexican immigrants who graduated from my same university; church worship leaders; a friend whose sister is married to a woman, and they've received death threats because of it; a mother of a homosexual daughter; well-informed, well-intended, well-educated strong human beings.

As I looked through their posts and pictures, my heart was bursting.  They marched for you and for me.  My post is their post, so I will share their pictures. 

"I marched to stand up and show my support for women, but also children, people of color, the LGBTQ community, the environment, health care, veterans, immigrants, sexual assault victims, education, Muslims, and people with disabilities. Everyone."

Thank you, marchers.

Please Read Stuff and Things vol.6...

...because I didn't have the time to put together a post...and that doesn't matter because anything I have to say at the moment isn't as important as what Kaity shared:

He Grabbed Me By My Pussy: My Sexual Assault Story

or what her sister shared:

It was NEVER my Fault: Kelly's Sexual Assault Story

or what her friend shared:

This Stops with Us: A's Sexual Assault Story

I believe in knowledge.

I believe in support.

I believe in encouragement.

I believe in cleansing.

I believe in the strength of these women.

I believe awareness is a tool to battle sexual assault.

Linking with Kristin:

I confess that I am still pissed off

In the "I'm still pissed off that rapist Brock Turner is free" news:

I was thinking about this the other day...I used to be a caseworker at a juvenile prison.  I was thinking about the many, many teens that I had on my caseload that were locked up longer than Brock Turner and the crimes that they committed.  Oh, I definitely had some that deserved to be in jail for a long time.  Most definitely.  Some scary dudes. 

I also had a kid that stole rollerblades from his next door neighbor's garage. 

And, another who was arrested for possession of marijuana, the smallest amount possible that one can be cited for, but he was arrested for this same thing multiple times.  He smoked pot.  That seemingly was all he ever did wrong.  It's illegal to smoke pot in Texas, and yes, there should be consequences for breaking the law.  But, when I compare Brock Turner to this mary  jane enthusiast, and the fact that this 16 year old was sent to a statewide juvenile jail for 9-12 months (minimum), and Brocky boy is out in 3, it just doesn't make sense. 

Even the teens that were locked up for let's say "unlawful use of a motor vehicle" (they stole a car), again, they broke the law and should be punished.  But, the victim of a car theft will not be scarred the rest of one's life to the capacity that Brock Turner's victim will.  I know.  I've had a car stolen.  Those guys served longer sentences than Brock Turner.

In Texas (I'm speaking about Texas because that's where I was a caseworker), if a teen is tried, convicted, and sent to a juvenile justice institution, the minimum stay that he can receive is 9 months.  For a teen convicted of the same crimes that Brock Turner was convicted, he'd be given a "determinate sentence" (the minimum of this served would be one year), and he'd be required to receive sex offender counseling before release.  If he did not complete the required counseling and follow his case plan that included education and socialization skills, then he would not be allowed for parole review.  He would serve years until this required treatment plan was adequately completed as deemed by the "treatment team" consisting of his caseworker, a teacher, a supervisory staff member (guard), and a medical staff member.  He could potentially be transferred to adult prison once he turned the age of 18 or 19 (depending on the case) if he did not complete his treatment plan as required.  He could not get time docked for "good behavior". 

How can an adult, like Brock Turner, not be held as accountable as a teenager committing the same act of violence?

For a minute, when I was thinking about writing this post, I thought "hmmm aren't we tired of hearing about Brock or talking about him?"  But, I realized, that we must continue talking about it.  We mustn't let this become just another story that we accept.  We must let our voices be heard again and again that we think that it is un-fucking-acceptable that a person can sexually assault another person while they are unconscious and can give absolutely no consent.  We must let our voices be heard that when this rapist is caught in the act, stopped, arrested, charged, tried, and convicted that we do not accept his excuses and justifications.  That we do not listen to his daddy about how his son shouldn't be judged based on "20 minutes of action".  It can take less than 20 minutes to shoot and murder someone.  Should that person not be judged for that action either, Mr. Turner?  Ridiculous.

Brilliant

And, we mustn't forget the most important voice of all - the victim's.  I will continue to remind myself of her pain and read her full statement because I don't want to forget what she endured, and I don't want to forget that justice wasn't served for her.



Not your usual fun confessions post, eh?  Well, I'm still linking up with Nadine & Kathy anyway.  Happy Humpday!

Lessons inspired by reading Missoula by Jon Krakauer

Mattie announced that she and Lexi will be hosting a new weekly link-up called "Weekly Lessons" every Wednesday.  Will I participate each week?  Probably not.  I'm terrible at weekly participation.  But, will I participate when I'm inspired with a lesson that I want to share?  You betcha.

How's this for a heavy subject for my first Weekly Lessons?  These are lessons that I learned while reading Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town by Jon Krakauer.

It is no mystery to me that acquaintance rape, date rape, non-stranger rape (whatever you want to call it) is a problem in the society and culture of American college campuses. This book examines several stories of such incidents that occurred (or allegedly occurred) during 2010 to 2012 on one campus in one fairly smaller town of America. The BIG story here is Missoula is not the "rape capital" (because it is happening in so many other college towns as well; there was even one FBI reported noted that during the same time Missoula was actually below the national average for reported rapes.)  But, I feel this book accurately captures a slice of the American pie of incidents that are happening all across the country.

Sexual assault is emotional and difficult for so many involved. The VICTIM. The accused. The witnesses. The family of the victim. The friends of the victim. The family and friends of the accused. The community. The investigators. The prosecutors. The defenders. The university and its leaders. In this book, the football team. Its fans. Its players. Its coaches. I think this book adequately gives a picture of the fact that so many are involved. So many are impacted.

The book shows how victims are questioned, doubted, blamed, and verbally attacked. It shows how all too often sexual assaults are not brought to court, and if they are, how difficult it is to prove in a "he said, she said" debate. Political games are at play. Towns and communities are torn apart. Families and friends pick sides and even more hurt happens in the aftermath than the actual rape incident itself that is in question.

A great current event read, even if it did make me hurt, rage, cry, shout, and question if this issue can ever be effectively handled. Can we ever treat victims with the respect they deserve? Can we ever investigate thoroughly and accurately? Can we ever pass out deserved punishment to the offenders? I don't know...and that's a crime as well.

Much of this I "knew", somewhat, but compiled in this book, I learned so much more about the trauma of sexual assault.  Here are some of those lessons that I learned:

1.  "Rape and war...are among the most common causes of post-traumatic stress disorder, and survivors of sexual assault frequently exhibit many of the same symptoms and behaviors as survivors of combat: flashbacks, insomnia, nightmares, hypervigilance, depression, isolation, suicidal thoughts, outbursts of anger, unrelenting anxiety, and an inability to shake the feeling that the world is spinning out of control."  (page 380)

2.  It is extremely difficult to gather accurate statistics about rape and sexual assault.  The variances between different research studies from the U.S. Department of Justice to a different federal agency, the Center for Disease Control to research studies performed by analysts, journalists, doctors, psychiatrists, and psychologists.  It is difficult to discern the truth in all of the statistics.

3.  That being said, according to the CDC study using data gathered in 2011, it is estimated that "19.3 percent of American women 'have been raped in their lifetimes'".  Rough figures: 20+ million American women.  (Author's note, page xiii)

4.  A rape kit, when performed by a nurse, doctor, or nurse practicioner is painful, invasive, and traumatic.  A woman's "most private recesses" are "probed, combed, swabbed, photographed, and intensely scrutinized by strangers".  Often a video is taken of this exam as well and can take 4 or so hours to complete.  IF a case is ever investigated and goes to trial, these pictures and video will be viewed by another slew of strangers for intense examination and discussion.  (page 18)

5.  Politics all too often come in to play with what cases go to trial and what ones are determined that there isn't enough evidence to build a case.  Prosecutors want wins.  District Attorneys or Lead Prosecutors in County Attorney's Offices are elected officials.  Their constituents want a DA or Lead Prosecutor that provides wins.  Convictions.  That means that there are times that prosecutors pass on charging an accused rapist or attempting to take a court to trial because they are worried they won't get that "win".  

6.  Sometimes the media is frustrating. Sometimes they are vilified. Sometimes, good investigative journalists uncover newsworthy events that need to be brought to public attention. (Example:  the Academy Award winning movie, Spotlight, depicting "(t)he true story of how the Boston Globe uncovered the massive scandal of child molestation and cover-up within the local Catholic Archdiocese, shaking the entire Catholic Church to its core.")  Some stories challenge institutions, corporations, governments, and more, to no longer hide truths and mistreatments.

The following aren't exactly lessons that I learned from this book, but this book hit it home for me all over again:

7.  Another statistic that varies greatly, but it is reported that "at least 80 percent of those who are assaulted don't report the crime to authorities."  (Author's note, page xiv) 

8.  Out of the ones that are reported, few accused are actually charged with any crime.  Of those that go to trial, few are convicted. 

9.  Basically, if a person commits rape, the statistics are in strong favor that person will not be punished for the crime. 

This is one of several graphics out there discussing this very topic.  A few of them have been challenged for their validity.  But, most of them are pretty similar in their numbers.  I'm not claiming this one is perfect, but I do believe it depicts the very serious problem with sexual assault and the justice system.

SOURCE

Again, this isn't just happening in Missoula, Montana.  Brock Turner (convicted rapist, ex-Stanford swimmer) is a prime example of this being a problem in so many of America's college towns.  To me, that is why this book was such an important read.  The more we know, the better educated we are, the better equipped we are to combat the issues at hand.

Linking up with Mattie and Lexi for "Weekly Lessons".

"Love sees no color"

I thought I'd start the week sharing positivity and love.  Sounds good, yes?

Quick background story...after years of heartbreak, loss, and fertility issues, my cousin and her husband were blessed with the opportunity to adopt two beautiful girls, Olivia and Macy. 

Admittedly, I am stealing sharing some words from my cousin's facebook (with her permission) for this post of mine.  She has shared some beautiful, real life, heartwarming stories that I wanted to share with you.

This July, in the midst of racial tension with black suspects being shot and killed by police along with police being targeted, shot, and killed, Janna posted this picture and included these words:

"I'm adding a picture of my girls to show you that love sees no color. When I look at my girls I don't see them as black or white. I see them as God's precious masterpieces. Period. They are sisters, not by blood, but by heart! "

I couldn't have said it better myself.

At the start of the Olympics, Janna posted some pictures of Olivia with these words:

"We're watching the Olympic swimming coverage, and it's honestly one of my favorite sports to watch in the Olympics. So in honor of the USA swimmers, here's a few pics of our 2024/2028 Olympic hopeful swimmer."

Then, this happened..............Texas born girl, Simone Manuel, won a gold medal in the 100m freestyle!  As you may very well know, she made Olympic history when she did it too ~ the first African-American woman to win gold in an individual swimming event.  Simone has been quoted saying that she hopes she is an inspiration.  I'd say she sure inspired Olivia.  This is what my cousin had to say:

"So proud to watch her race last night, see her reaction to her gold medal win, and then listen to her give the glory to God! We recorded the race so Liv could watch it today. After the race was over I told Liv that Simone was the first black woman to win an individual event medal in swimming and how big of a deal that is. Liv excitedly said, "I'm a black girl!!!" ❤️ Yes you are, baby girl! Be proud of that!!! Love that Simone's a positive role model for our little swimmer."

To add to the beauty of this post...as I was typing it, a couple came in to design a ring.   One of the women was born in Zimbabwe.  As they are the midst of the design, my guy brings out black diamonds in princess cut.  Her eyes lit up.  She said..."so perfect for me because I'm a black princess!"

Yes, it will be a wonderful day when the color of someone's skin doesn't matter.  An accomplishment will be an accomplishment regardless of color, gender, race, sexuality, religion, or ethnicity.  But, while history is still being made and boundaries are being torn down, I'm all about celebrating it!

My heart hurts

"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral,
begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy.
Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
Through violence you may murder the liar,
but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. ...
Through violence you may murder the hater,
but you do not murder hate.
In fact, violence merely increases hate.
So it goes.
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,
adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness:
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I do hope I got that quote correct.  I looked at a number of sources (some telling where MLK's words were mixed with another's facebook post and wrongly attributed to him.) 

It's really all I can say right now. 

Let your loved ones know that you love them and that are special people in your lives.

My two cents

By now, you probably have read quite a few things about that piece of shit rapist Brock Turner.  And his piece of shit dad.  And that piece of shit judge who gave a laughable sentence.  If you haven't, google him. 

There are so many layers to this story that make me spit fire.

Date rape.
Rape culture.
Treatment of rape survivors.
Inequity of sentences given out for different crimes.
Parents that make excuses for their children.
This list could go on and on...

I've got two more layers that I want to comment on...

As a white female, I'm going to throw the "race card" in the mix. I haven't heard many people talking about it.  Maybe that's a good thing.  Because it doesn't matter what color anyone is in this story, the "wrongs" are horribly wrong.

But, my husband and I were talking last night...if this was a black Stanford student, he'd have received a harsher sentence.* ( *exception being if he was a star athlete for a sport that was bringing in high revenue for the university.)
If this was a black guy who happened to be on Stanford's campus, he'd have been locked up and thrown away the keys. 
If this had been a black guy raping a black girl in a poverty stricken area, sadly, most of us wouldn't even know about this story or be paying this much attention.
I'm outraged at the sentence for all kinds of reasons. And, yes, the "race" reason is one of them.

Also, I have a friend...long story...but, two months ago, after a night out drinking with friends, she offered her couch to a male friend who'd had too much to drink to drive home.  This male friend was  a good friend who'd expressed interest in dating her.  She'd had the conversation more than once with him that she loved his friendship, but only wanted that...their friendship...nothing more.  He'd stayed at her house on previous occasions after too many drinks.  This particular occasion, she was sexually assaulted in her own home.  She has chosen not to press charges or legally report him.  She is a civilian that works on a military base.  He is in the military.  She says that in their situation, she knows it is only going to be her word against his.  So, she has already been too fearful of the victim-blaming and shaming that she assumed knew damn well that she would experience.  This week, she pointed to this case as another example of why she is scared to report.  What she said to me "I don't have two witnesses who interrupted the attack to vouch for me."  And, "I don't have the strength to face a military investigation when I'm sure he will only receive a slap on the wrist.  If that."  She did confront him about it, and his reply was "sorry about that; I was drunk."  Sounds a lot like Brock Turner's reasoning. 

This is one friend's story.  I know others.  You know others.  You may have your own story. 

In the case of Brock Turner, hooray for those cycling Swedes that stopped, intervened, didn't just ride pass or look the other way.  Most of all, hooray for the victim who (hopefully) sees that she is an inspiration to many and support is out there in abundance.

Source

Letter to the editor

Last week, I mentioned that I was "slightly terrified" because I wrote a letter to the editor that shared some personal details.  I thought I'd share my experience with you.

A few weeks ago, I had a serious talk about a particular case that occurred in the school district that I attended 7th through 12th grade.  To remind you:   A high school softball coach and social studies teacher has committed suicide after accusations of sexual misconduct with a student.  You can read an article about it here. 

I couldn't stop thinking about this case.  The people directly effected and the community too.  I threw out the idea to a friend of mine that still lives in the area (she works for the paper) that I might write a letter to the editor.  After all, I've got a personal point-of-view that not many have.  This letter was crafted several times.  Personally, I was swirling with emotion...the letter reflected that.  Several drafts were scattered and all over the place.  I kept thinking "what is the one thing, the most important element that I want to focus on?"  That helped. 

Also, I asked a couple of close confidants that happen to be strong women who I respect that knew me at the time (and know me now).  I even pulled out the "big guns" and asked my 11th grade beloved English teacher to take a look and freely edit. 

Once I was satisfied with my letter and the message I wanted to share, I emailed it to the editor.  I thought I had been "ghosted".  I didn't hear a peep.  But, I felt my message was important and timely considering the allegation and subsequent suicide that happened in the area.  I emailed again.  I got a response, and he asked me to call him to discuss a couple of concerns/questions that he had.

Now, I must give this editor props.  He was fair, ethical, and thoughtful.  He wanted to make sure that I was prepared to share my name and identifying facts about myself.  I respected that.  We discussed a few questions he had about what I was sharing, and he reinforced my belief that yes, this was an important message to share with the community.

So...the letter printed.  Here it is...  Letter to the editor: Both sides of a sad case deserve our compassion
To the editor:

I am a 1991 graduate of Oak Ridge High School currently living in the suburbs of Sydney, Australia. I have a daily routine: I read Houston-area news, USA news, Australian news and World news.                                                                                             

When I read news reports about alleged inappropriate relationships between a teacher and a student, as is the case with many criminal allegations, especially those of a sexual nature, I am aware of the controversy and varying opinions surrounding these cases. Fair enough. But, I feel I have personal insight that is worth sharing.

I was that 17-year-old student. I did know better. I was an intelligent, honors student who was involved in many school activities.

I was manipulated by a teacher 10 years older than I. He was a Social Studies teacher and football coach who was respected, attractive, articulate and had a master’s degree. He groomed me when I was 16 but didn’t act on it until I was 17. He convinced me that my parents were neglecting me (They weren’t). He made lofty promises of love, security and devotion. He tried to convince me that my choice of worship was not good enough; that his choice of faith was better for me. He encouraged me to separate myself from most of my friends, yet keep others who could cover for us.
Yes, I knew better than to get involved with him, but I was still young enough and impressionable enough that his ploys messed with my head, my heart, my emotions and my decision-making skills. He definitely used his age, experience and status to manipulate the situation for his favor. An inappropriate relationship occurred throughout my entire senior year of high school.

Eventually, I married this man when I was 19; and I was divorced by 21. During that time, I moved to another part of the country to be with him. His control and manipulation of me continued.

It took many years of hiding from the aftermath of this relationship, of trying to numb my pain, or avoid my feelings, or fake being strong. I’d often hide behind laughter, tell self-deprecating stories, or allowed myself to be at the butt end of jokes. Or, I was encouraged to not disclose it at all. Hide it. Sweep it under the rug.

All these years, I’ve carried some pretty deep, dark scars from this relationship. I felt tainted and unworthy of love and respect. I experienced a difficult time recognizing the manipulation in that relationship and how it affected my self-worth. It took years to recognize the “grooming” that occurred for him to win my trust and convince me of the role in my life he was determined to play.
I am not sharing my story for you to feel sorry for me or to judge me. By sharing these personal details, I hope to bring awareness and offer a perspective from an adult who experienced this type of relationship as a teenager.

Which brings me to the news story that has inspired me to write to the Montgomery County area ... the tragic and disturbing events surrounding the allegations and death of The Woodlands High School’s Richard Harvey Jorgensen: A high school softball coach and Social Studies teacher has committed suicide after accusations of sexual misconduct with a student.

The current story is filled with controversial material. The coach and teacher was married with children. He was only accused, so in light of America being a country where one is innocent until proven guilty, I don’t want to make judgment of guilt or innocence. Some may say he killed himself because of the guilt he felt, or the fear he felt for getting caught, or the stress he felt for being accused of something he didn’t do. We don’t know his story.

If the accusations of misconduct are true, can you imagine what that 16-year-old girl is feeling now? Accompanied with the trauma, shame, embarrassment and confusion she was most likely already experiencing, now she is unjustly carrying feelings of guilt as well. If the accusations are true, he added another heap of negativity to that 16-year-old plus the additional trauma he has caused his wife and children.

I encourage you as a community to unite and offer compassion, support, encouragement and assistance to everyone affected: the 16-year-old accuser, her family, friends, fellow students and loved ones; plus the family and loved ones of Mr. Jorgensen, his wife, his children, his former students and players, faculty and work colleagues.

I encourage you to refrain from passing judgment, speculation or ridicule.

Personally, I still struggle at times. For instance, in writing this piece, well, it hasn’t been easy. I’ve written, deleted, written again, deleted.  I still have a hard time thinking of myself as a victim. At that time, there was no felonious law in Texas to criminalize such a relationship between an educator and a student. If our relationship transpired post-2003, he would be guilty of committing a felony, and I would be a victim. At the time, that law did not exist. No crime was committed, and no charges were filed. The guilt, shame and embarrassment, the self-loathing and blame that I still fight to this day don’t allow me to grasp this and acknowledge it fully. I’m still working.

Erin Gray
Sydney, Australia
Former Oak Ridge resident

Then & Now

When I emailed it, I shared it with my parents.  Neither had much to say.  I'm not going to lie.  That hurts a little.  It still makes me feel ashamed and like they'd rather me "keep quiet" about my experiences.  I am making assumptions.  That may not be what they think at all, but that's how I feel.

I received an overwhelming amount of support from former high school friends (and people I barely knew), from a friend of my mother's, from a couple of my aunts, from a parent of a friend that I was close to at the time...really, I was shocked by the number of positive responses that I received.  What I most appreciated was a few shared my post and encouraged parents to use it as a talking tool with their teenagers.  I liked that.  A lot. 

There were a couple of questionable comments on the link I attached (the paper's website), but those comments are going to happen.  And, I didn't want to get in a keyboard battle with those couple of people. 

If you have teens (or pre-teens), I encourage you to discuss inappropriate and appropriate relationships.  Coaches and teachers can be valuable, influential mentors in kids' lives.  Those are the ones that don't get thanked enough for all they do.  Sadly, there are some ugly, effed up adults that use their position of influence to steer a student down the wrong path. 

Talk to your kids about it...before it happens.  If you have any questions for me about this, ask.  I'm (finally) at the point I'm willing to share and want to help.  Talk to your kids about coming to you if they know a friend in such a situation.  Or suspect a friend.  Get involved.  I know, I would have not responded well to someone getting involved in my "relationship" at the time.  But, I sure wish they would have.

 

Serious talk

The high school I attended is in a suburb of Houston, Texas about 35 miles north of downtown.  At the time, there were three high schools in our school district.  Since then, the area has grown and a rather disturbing news story has come from my hometown area.  A high school softball coach and social studies teacher has committed suicide after accusations of sexual misconduct with a student.  You can read an article about it here. 

I've been struggling since reading and hearing this.  No, this is not the first story of sexual misconduct I've read about in the last 20+ years.  But, every single time, I read a story like this, I can't help but think of the victim. 

I have my own story, and you can read about it My Own "Dark Places".

The current story is going to be filled with controversy.  The coach and teacher was married with children.  He was only accused, so in light of America being a country where one is innocent until proven guilty, I don't want to make judgement of guilt or innocence.  Some may say he killed himself because of the guilt he felt, or the fear he felt for getting caught, or the stress he felt for being accused of something maybe he didn't do.  We don't know his story. 

I admit that I am angry.  IF the behaviour and actions are indeed true, can you imagine what that 16 year old girl is feeling now?  Accompanied with the trauma, shame, embarrassment, and confusion she was most likely already experiencing, now she is unjustly carrying feelings of guilt as well.  That angers me.  IF the accusations are true, he took the coward's way out.  He added another heap of negativity to that 16 year old added with the trauma he has caused his wife and children.

You know this social media culture that we live in with a whole lot of keyboard judges and juries?  You know the ones.  The ones that sit behind a monitor and pass judgement without facts.  I've already read comments from these people that make my stomach turn.  (Some of those comments are on the news article link I posted.)  Comments that blame the accuser for the man's death.  Comments that question and claim that these are false allegations.  Comments, on the contrary, that claim knowledge of other victims.  None of these comments are needed on social media platforms during a tragic time like this.  I shake my head and my skin crawls. Yes, one comment even made me cry because I can't help my own feelings to creep back in. 

I am going to share some hopes...  I hope the 16 year old girl AND the family of the deceased open themselves up to therapy.  I hope they find a counselor that they develop the type of  therapeutic relationship that will help them sort, discover, face, cope, and heal from the feelings and emotions that will result from the role they play in this tragic story.  I hope they find themselves surrounded with compassion, support, and encouragement.  I hope they are free from judgement, ridicule, and speculation.  I hope this experience doesn't negatively define the future that a 16 year old is facing.

Sadly, I believe that my hopes listed above are stretched and unrealistic.  But, I don't want a life without hope.

Some videos go viral for all the wrong reasons

I'll attach an article or two to give you a little background...

Article 1

...but here's the lowdown...in a Sydney suburb, a 12 year old was stopped by cops for throwing rocks at vehicles and damaging buses in the process.  The mother of the kid started videoing thinking she'd make it "go viral" to show police abuse.  Actually, it's gone viral for other reasons...watch the video above...

Article 2 - that includes a video of the mother defending her son because, of course, he didn't do anything wrong.

Article 3

What a disgusting display of a lack of respect for authority. With this mentality, this mother will also accuse teachers of being in the wrong when her son is given detention, employers out to get her son when he is fired from a job, the probation officer being unfair when her son is recommended for a jail term, the judicial system being corrupt when her son is given a jail sentence, the prison system being abusive when her son is put into solitary confinement for spitting and throwing urine on staff............sadly, this all is likely to happen.

I hope she enjoys visiting her children in prison because that's where they will most likely end up.  Years ago, I was a caseworker at an institution for incarcerated youth.  I knew kids (and parents) exactly like this.

The kid was throwing rocks at cars and caused damage to buses. People have died from the actions of such pranks. When you are throwing rocks at cars that potentially cause damage and/or injury, you are committing a crime. On the video, threats of violence are made as well. For the safety of the youth, police, and other children around, handcuffs (unfortunately) appear to be a sensible use of force in this scenario.

This mother is an embarrassment to any other parents who are trying to raise their children with values and to learn to differentiate between right and wrong.  As for the kids, well, sadly, I'm thinking Australian taxpayers will sooner or later be paying for his accommodation, food, and healthcare in a prison.

Harsh?  Yes.  Judgemental?  Yes.  Do I hope one day there is a 60 Minutes special on this kid ten years from now focusing on how he turned his life around and is a positive force in society?  Absolutely. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts.....

 

 

It's my first time participating in this link-up, and I enjoy the "anything goes" element to it...so why not link-up something somewhat controversial to get this party started???



Thoughts #15 - Rhetoric

Social media has been filled with some strong rhetoric and images the last 24 hours.  I've read things that I wish I hadn't read.  I've seen things that I wish I didn't see.  Living in Australia, I don't see all American news stories covered in the same way.  But, I read American news daily.  I believe that our news' sources can shape our thoughts about certain stories, so I try to read several different sources and points of view when stories of interest surface. 

From what I've read and seen, I think the death of Michael Brown could've been prevented by both Brown and Officer Wilson. Brown acted aggressively towards the officer. He definitely shouldn't have done that. When an officer gives instruction, you do what he/she says, whether you agree or not. And, you definitely don't act in a way that can be interpreted as reaching for the officer's weapon.
Did the officer over-react? I think there's argument that he did. I think six shots were unnecessary.
But it doesn't matter what I think. It was up to the grand jury. They made a decision. If the citizens of Ferguson want to protest that decision, that is their right, and I support it. However, I do not support looting, vandalism, setting fires, or further violence. I know we don't live in an ideal world, but I'd like to see us learn, grow, and evolve when such incidents take place. I don't think further destruction helps that cause.

Those are my thoughts, but I'd like to share the thoughts of someone else.    I had the pleasure of working with Danny for a few years. He is a hard-working, easy-going, father, husband, and friend. He is a black man who grew up in Houston, Texas, the fourth largest city in the USA.  Danny posted these words on facebook a few hours after the Ferguson announcement.  His words were thoughtful, heartfelt, and eloquent. They are worth sharing and thoughtfully reading. Read, and think. (But, please, do not use my space as a place to disrespectfully debate).

From Danny: "Today, we as a culture are dealing with centuries of negative mental programming and a culture of lack and inferiority that we are just now beginning to shed. We need to work toward the ultimate goal of unity and growth (spiritual,mental, and economic) if we ever want to move past where we've been. We got close during the civil rights movement, but were derailed by the efforts of those who hated us for no plausible reason other than heritage.
We have to do better and teach our children better if we want better. We cant loot liquor stores in our community because of civil injustice. If we're not happy with what's going on, we need to be effective not only.with our words, but with our actions. I just can't deal with some of these images I see. It makes it hard for those who can articulate the real problems to maintain any credibility when it's a stark contrast to the actions some display. Looting is not protesting. It's just that simple."

Photo credit

Worth revisiting: Thoughts.11: Opinions

This post was originally published one year ago today. The message is important to me, so I am sharing it again.

I apologize if what I'm about to write will make some uncomfortable.  I apologize if what I'm about to write is better left unsaid.

Many people in my life know various versions of the truth to this story, but almost all don't know the whole truth.  That's because I've felt like I should keep it secret.  I've carried guilt, shame, embarrassment, self-doubt, and self-hatred.  I doubt I will even tell the "whole" truth here because I still carry guilt, shame, and embarrassment.  But, I will share some of my story to try to exorcise some demons inside me, to hopefully bring awareness and understanding regarding those of us that carry negative feelings for a significant portion of our lives.

I read the Houston news on a daily basis.  I have a routine - Houston news, USA news, Australian news, World news.  In the state of Texas, the age of consent for sexual relations is 17.  In 2003, Texas passed a law making it illegal for a teacher and student from the same school to have a sexual relationship regardless if the student is 17 or 18 (age of consent).  Since that time, Houston news quite regularly reports stories about an educator that has been arrested and charged with having inappropriate relationships with students.  As is the case with many criminal allegations, especially those of a sexual nature, there is controversy and varying opinions surrounding these cases. 

I've always stated that I respect other people's opinions.  I do.  I've been described as opinionated, so I want others to hear me out (when I'm ready to share) and show respect.  You don't have to agree with me; I don't have to agree with you.  Sometimes when people disagree, this allows for a great opportunity to learn, hear another perspective on an issue, and grow.  State your opinion, but always do so in as respectful a manner as possible.  That is my opinion on giving opinions.  Am I making sense?  I do NOT respect other people's opinions or necessarily want to give them an opportunity to share that opinion if the person is being disrespectful.  It does a lot more harm than good (in my humble opinion).

So...that being said... When I read news reports about alleged inappropriate relationships between a teacher and a student, and I read or hear opinions that are calling the student a "slut" or saying they knew better or were asking for it or "it takes two to tango" (and often comments much, much harsher than this, but this is all I can bring myself to type), I can't help but feel anger, frustration, and the ever present guilt, shame, and embarrassment.  Let me tell you why.

I was that 17 year old student.  I did know better.  I was an intelligent student who was involved in many school activities.  I didn't smoke, and I wasn't promiscuous.  I drank alcohol on 3 occasions in high school, and I can honestly say, I don't think I ever saw drugs my entire high school tenure (except ones shown to me by a police officer). My family wasn't perfect; we had some issues, but I was raised in a Christian home with strong values, and I never doubted my parents' love for me.  Most of my friends were "good kids" and many of my friends' parents were very good to me as well.  So, yes, I knew better.  I knew right from wrong.

Me - my Senior year of high school

I can also say I was manipulated.  I was manipulated by a teacher ten years older than me who was respected, attractive, spoke well, and had a Master's Degree.  He groomed me when I was 16 but didn't act on it until I was 17.  He convinced me that my parents were neglecting me.  He promised to take care of me and give me more security and love than I was receiving.  He tried to convince me that my choice of worship was not good enough; that his choice of faith was better for me.  He encouraged me to separate myself from some of my friends, yet keep others that could cover for us.  Yes, I knew better than to get involved with him, but I was still young enough and impressionable enough that his ploys messed with my head, my heart, my emotions, my decision-making skills.  He definitely used his age, experience, and status to manipulate the situation for his favor.  Typing this, I still feel guilt, shame, and embarrassment. 

It took many years of hiding from the aftermath of this relationship.  It took many years of trying to numb my pain or avoid my feelings or fake being strong or laugh and joke about the matter.  All these years, I've carried some pretty deep, dark scars from this relationship.  In recent years, I've finally been able to work through the "stuff".  I've been to therapy.  I read books and articles and blogs.  I relate to various people - from victims to addicts - and their stories of hitting dark places and overcoming them.  I work on myself and try to live and grow.  I pray and sometimes meditate and journal (which I should do more frequently).  I have a partner who encourages me to face the dark and painful past and be open, vulnerable, and honest.  (Previously, I've had a partner who laughed at me and called me an "idiot" for getting myself into such a relationship and another that barely believed me and another who said "you were 'that' girl" and never talked about it again...I understood 'that' wasn't a good girl.)

Was I "That" Girl?

I still struggle at times.  For instance, in writing this piece, well, it hasn't been easy.  I've written, deleted, written again, deleted...  I still have a hard time thinking of myself as a victim.  At that time, there was no felonious law in Texas to criminalize his behavior.  If our relationship happened in 2004 or 2011 or today (anytime since the law was passed in 2003), he would be guilty of committing a felony, and I would be a victim.  The guilt, shame, and embarrassment that I still fight to this day doesn't allow me to grasp this and acknowledge it.  I'm still working...............


This is a site for an attorney trying to get your business, but it has some good information about the criminal charge that I am discussing.  See this LINK. 

Oh, and if you'd like to know what happened to the teacher...Google gives so much information.  He married another girl that he met while she was in high school and a couple of years younger than me.  He has been named in a number of lawsuits.  He has been fired twice (I believe) in two different states from teaching.  He was issued a cease and desist order.  And then there is THIS.  Let's just say, it is my humble opinion that he has continued his manipulative behavior.  I am not putting this here to slander him; these are all pieces of public information found on the world wide web. And, I don't want to end this on a bad note.....so.......


 I am not writing this or sharing this for you to feel sorry for me or to judge me.  I am sharing so we can all realize passing judgment or sharing hurtful opinions can further damage those that are carrying heavy burdens already.  Lift someone up instead of tearing them down.  Be respectful when you share your opinions.  Empathize with others.

Thoughts #8 - Charlotte

Photo from  Getty Images Entertainment - Photo by Don Arnold

I moved to Australia December 2008.  I'm still not "in the know" about many Australian celebrities.  Prior to this past weekend, Charlotte Dawson is someone I was aware of.  What I knew:  she was a judge on Australia's Next Top Model, she was a former model, and she was the ex-wife of a former Olympic swimmer surrounded by his own controversies. Also, I knew she was the victim of some vicious "trolling" activity against her on social media.

What I know now:  She was 47 years old, and her lifeless body was found in her apartment on Sunday the 23rd of February; apparent suicide.  This news report gives a good background of her life, death, and problems she faced:  Charlotte Dawson Found Dead After Long and Public Battle with Depression.

As I write this blog, over 150,000 signatures have been added to a petition calling for stronger cyber bullying legislation - Charlotte's Law.

Another article that I feel was beautifully written is this one:  "I didn't know Charlotte, but this is why I cried for her today".

Photo from Getty Images Entertainment - Photo by Lisa Maree Williams

That's the background...here are my thoughts:

I know "celebrity" deaths are not uncommon.  I know everyday there are many non-celebrities who commit suicide.  This story is just one of those stories about a person who was struggling in the public eye, was brutally attacked on social media (that whole 'sticks and stones' saying ain't true; words can hurt...they can hurt a lot), and still she wasn't saved from her own sadness and hopelessness.  It's made me think so much about how we treat others; how flippant, ugly comments hurt; how mental illness is not something to be ashamed of; how treating someone with kindness may help them endure their own burdens; how asking for help when you need it is critical...there's so many lessons to learn from Charlotte's story.

 "Trolls" and bullies have to be stopped. They are hurtful, hateful, damaging, and dangerous. If a grown woman, seemingly successful and beautiful, was hurt so much by such grotesque remarks, think about teenagers and children who are bullied. Think about their coping skills. Think about the damage it does to their self-esteem and what long-lasting effects such words and actions can cause. 


A friend of mine posted this on facebook, and I agree with her words, so I'll share them:  

"I have signed it (the petition) for the simple fact that I think sitting behind a computer and telling someone who was so sensitive and fragile minded to go "hang herself or shove her head in a toaster and eliminate herself from this world is kind of pathetic and cowardly. I have seen people comment on bullying and telling the victim to "harden the fuck up" or get over it. Some of us are not so tough, some of us take things differently. I have also seen comments of "freedom of speech" etc. Yep an opinion is one thing but attacking someone is a complete different story. I know people who have mental illnesses. I know people have felt there was no other choice but to end their lives. I don't want this to be someone I love and care for in the future." 

Being kind is free.  Awareness takes a little thought and a little effort, but is so important.  Treat others with kindness. Think before you speak. Embrace differences. If you need help, ask. 

Two websites and hotlines you can use anonymously -
Australia:  http://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help
USA:  http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 

Thoughts # 1 - Battle with my Body

In this picture, I was 33 years old, and I thought I was fat.  I'd be happy to be that "fat" again.

Originally posted on my facebook page on April 16, 2013:

Warning - I'm just writing this as it flows out of me.  I may ramble.  I may have typos.  I may be sharing too much information.  But, here it goes...

I have body image problems.  Most women do. 

When I was in the best shape of my life, I was young, and I also exercised a lot using a whole variety of muscles.  At that time, I thought I was big.  Now, I look back, and I still have a warped view because I know I wasn't big, but that little mean girl voice in my head says "yeah, you weren't big, but you were still one of the biggest ones of the group".  Warped, I know.  But that's what the voice inside my head says.

When I was the thinnest of my life, it was because I loaded myself with diet pills.  Not exactly the best way to be thin.  That mean girl voice is still there.  This time it says although I was my thinnest, I still wasn't thin.  At my thinnest, in my adult life, I wore a size 6 (sometimes) or an 8 (mostly).  So, that's not really that "thin" at all comparing to all the size 2s and 0s out there.  But, I'd be very, very happy to be that size again. 

I've done most all the "diets" - Weight Watchers, Atkins, Cabbage Soup, Lite N Easy, and more.
As I stated before, I've taken diet pills - both medically supervised and some I bought online.
I've been borderline bulimic for years.

I'm now close to the biggest I've ever been in my life.  Actually, I'm 15 pounds less than the biggest, because I've lost 15 pounds since the start of the year.  I'm aware of all the things that I need to do to lose weight, better yet, to be healthy.  I struggle to do those things. 

I've had suggestions of diets, healthy eating, exercise programs, etc.  Unfortunately, I like food that is bad for me, and I don't particularly care for exercising.  That combination does not lend itself to a fit, healthy shape.  My mind and my body are at war. 

I'm not writing this for sympathy.  I'm not writing this to have people tell me lots of compliments.  I'm just letting it flow out of me because it's something that I hold in so much there's times I feel like I'm going to explode.  Or cry.  Or crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head.  I don't want to explode, or cry, and I'm at work, so I can't crawl in bed.  So, I'm taking ownership of these feelings and this problem, and I'm writing.

Now that I've spilled all of that out of me, maybe I weigh a pound or two less?  ;)