Depression sucks.
And, I'm in the middle of seeing a great-big-ugly-uninvited visitor named "Relapse".
But, I'm fighting the fight. I don't feel like I'm winning the battle right now, but I keep fighting. I see that as a good thing.
My therapist (because I'm starting to see her again on a more regular basis) wants me to start focusing on some positives; she wants me to give myself credit for the big and little things, so I give myself credit that I'm still fighting. That's big because I really don't feel like fighting.
My biggest tormentor is me. I am HARD on myself. I blame myself for things that I don't deserve the blame. I've gotten worse as I've gotten older. I think it's because I have done things in the past that I deserve to be judged harshly, so I turn this into judging everything I do harshly and unfairly.
I mask this well. Sometimes, I am a master at hiding the ugliness that is inside me.
Other times, I'm terrible at hiding my feelings. I lose control of them, and I cry or get incredibly irritable.
I am up and down; high and low; flat and spiked; numb, yet overly sensitive.
I feel like I don't make any sense at all.
I do NOT like this part of me. I hate it actually. And, this turns into an ugly spiral of self-hatred.
I've had two different dreams in recent months where I've attempted suicide in the dreams. They scared me. I knew I had to act. So, I'm battling.
Medications have been reviewed and altered. Other medical conditions (that can contribute to depression) have been analyzed. There are talks of endocrinologists and psychiatrists.
My g.p. has referred me to another dietitian (or is it dietician? I think this is one of those American vs. Australian spellings that has me confused). I haven't gone yet because I'm an emotional eater, and I don't want to be told to stop eating what I'm eating.
Therapy sessions have increased. We're even considering group counseling sessions too because I have an unbelievable ability to show empathy to others and want to support and encourage them, all the while I'm tearing myself apart.
I battle by forcing myself to continue to socialize. I am really feeling like hiding under covers and only talking to my cats. But, forcing myself to go and do, even if I'm not fully enjoying it, is still a win for me.
I battle by focusing on things that do give me pleasure. You see my slight obsession with book challenges? Well, they bring me pleasure. So, I throw myself into them and soak up as much pleasure as I can.
My therapist wants me to journal more. I guess this post can be considered a journal entry. Sorta. Except my journal is supposed to be where I tell my deepest, darkest thoughts without worrying that anyone will read them.
Last night, Ricky licked tears from my face. My husband rubbed my back as I cried. What was I crying about? That I hate this part of me. I just want it to go away and leave.
I feel like I'm letting my husband down and adding to his burdens (he already has enough stress of being a small business owner.)
I am appreciative and grateful for loving support.
I know some of you battle too. Keep battling with me.
<3
ReplyDeleteerin, my friend. i know the bitch you're battling. i know her quite well. she is vicious and heinous and callous and all those other words that hiss at the end. i know her. but i like to think i know you, too.
ReplyDeletei know some of those things of which you speak, those things you think are deserving of harsh judgment. i know how easy is it is believe those things are the end-all, be-all of a girl. that those bad things weigh so much heavily, tip the scale so monumentally. they don't. everybody's got something, erin. we all have our ghosts. our demons. our tragedies. and please don't mistake that as my saying your shit doesn't stink any worse than the next person's. i like to think you know me well enough to know that's not at all how i roll. when i say that i mean, like you, i've got those things so hideous that i shouldn't be loved because of them. that's depression talking, and she's a deceitful, manipulative, conniving bitch. don't listen to her.
you hold on to that man of yours. you let him hold on to you. snuggle with those kittens. KNOW that you are loved by a LOT of people.
know that there's not a single day in my life these past few years in which i have not been immensely grateful that you and i have reconnected. you leave such a light, and i know how hard it is to leave it. i know how the energy wanes. i know, I KNOW how exhausted you are, and fed up and pissed off... i know.
YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. you will be victorious.
as for that dietician or dietitian (the first one, by the way, has got a little squiggly beneath it, so the correct way's with two t's)... baby steps. my shrink's been working on getting me to cut my dr. pepper intake by one each day. sometimes it works. don't go to that person yet. you probably know what you're eating and drinking that could be contributing. pick one thing, and whittle that... then something else. do that a few times, and when you have succeeded there, then make an appointment to see what goes next.
i love you. thank you for being a friend.
ugh. so much more heavily*. damned typos. :] if there're others, i'm not correcting them.
Deletefine. how easy it is to*. seriously. that's it. and only because i'd thought of something... it's winter there, yeah? the days are shorter, the nights are longer... it's harder to shrug off the darkness within then the darkness without lasts so long.
DeleteErin this hurts my heart to hear, but I am so proud of you for continuing to fight. It sounds like you have a good support system in place and I know that you can beat this!
ReplyDeleteugh girl. i don't even know where to begin. i have been there. TOTALLY there. and i've come out. and i know (and have been told) there's always a chance it'll come back. that feeling - when all you want is to feel happy. HAPPY. what is that right? i GET that. sigh. my heart reaches out to you. you're doing all the right things by searching and seeking for help. and journaling is good. talking is good. meds are good. and group therapy i can attest was a really good one for me too. (after i found the right therapist after going through a dozen). anyway, if you need anything you know where to find me. meanwhile i'm sending all the love!!
ReplyDeletexoxo cheshire kat
Keep fighting, Erin :( I know saying "it'll get easier" is pretty much a lie, but the pain will get quieter eventually. And when it comes back again- because we all know it might- you will be stronger and smarter and ready to fight it off again, this time faster and with more power.
ReplyDeleteWhen you feel like giving up the fight turn around and look at everyone in your corner. Look at all the friends and cats and family that want you to throw that punch and win your fight. And I won't tell you to fight because of them- because you are the only reason you should be fighting- but draw your power and support and love from them. That corner is your safest place and it'll always be there. They will always be there. And they're counting on you to always be there, too. You don't have to be the very best version of yourself all the time, but you've gotta be there.
Sometimes there are just no words. All I know to say is this - fight the good fight, Erin, for you are worth it. And forgive yourself while you're at it, because you deserve to be forgiven. I know you are fighting a much much bigger battle than seasonal affective disorder, but get out into the sunlight as much as you can. As someone mentioned above, you're in the darkest days of winter. I don't suffer from depression, but I do suffer from that seasonal funk. Sunlight helps, even if just a little bit. I will be keeping you close in thought in prayer, friend.
ReplyDeleteErin, I am so sorry. I wish I had words that could help, but please know I am here if you need me (or anything from home!).
ReplyDeleteYou are seriously one of the most amazing people i have ever 'met'. i know you have lots of friends and family and cats and dogs who love you, and i am in your corner as well. you are amazing. xxxxx
I get every word you said.
ReplyDeleteWhen you have to fight this fight, you understand when others are going through it... but you'll prevail. Hang in there - do what you have to do to come out the other side. Cry, scream, spend time alone, eat, exercise - whatever it takes.
Sending you love from afar to remind you you're not alone.
"Sometimes, I am a master at hiding the ugliness that is inside me." That is also me in a nutshell. I smile. I laugh. And inside I either feel numb or so much pain. So yes, I understand how you feel overly sensitive and how what you feel can change instantly. I am sorry that you are going through a relapse too. I had mine in April and am still dealing with some lingering lethargy and overall numbness. And it sucks. It sucks so bad. I'm glad you're fighting because that is what we have to do and how we win. Everything you're doing is helping you and putting you back in control. I always forget this when I am in the throes of my depression, but I win and come out on the other side every single time. You will too, my friend. Sending you a big virtual hug and here if you need me!
ReplyDeleteSending lots of hugs your way! I have no idea what it feels like to go through that sort of depression, and my thoughts and prayers are that you'll find the balance soon!
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome and you have lots of people in your corner wishing nothing but the best for you. Sending you all the hugs!!! You do what you need to do to make you happy. Reading, eating, punching a box....whatever it is! Keep fighting!
ReplyDeleteSending so much love and positive thoughts and support your way.
ReplyDeleteI don't really have words, but just know that we are all behind you! I'm hoping that this relapse will be a short one. <3
ReplyDeleteall the right words and good thoughts for you dear friend.
ReplyDeleteOh Erin... HUGS. I feel like I could've written this post. I had a melt down last night and my mom saw it happen, my step dad and J. And every single time this happens, I get worse and worse and more negative inward. I feel like all this therapy and growth I've had in 8 weeks is all for nought, WTF is the point in continuing? I know it's helping but still.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone love. I also just want to sleep and avoid and hide. I have the weekend to myself starting tomorrow night and I can't tell you how happy I am about that, where I can be just me, quiet, and reflect.
Hugs and much love sweet woman.
XOXXO
First of all, girl, I'm only an email away. Please feel free to email me anytime. I know that I'm many, MANY miles away but I'll try my best to bring a smile to that beautiful face even for just a second.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I'm right there with you. My anxiety has been crazy lately which then leads to my depression, it is a horrible cycle & some days are better than others. I don't know if you drink tea but I've been drinking Kava tea when I'm feeling anxious & it does help, maybe it would help you too. Just a thought.
Sending you a HUGE hug from Wisconsin!
Always fight. Always. Huge hugs from the other side of the world and a wide-open inbox if you ever need words to land somewhere other than this page.
ReplyDeleteGirlfriend (which is not a word I use often), I am so with you. It seems like quite a few people I know are having low spots right now. Hugs to you and I hope things get better soon. For all of us.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you a hug right now. We could cry together and vent our frustrations and (maybe) feel a little lighter afterward.
ReplyDeleteMay was a very rough month for me. There was no one reason for this, but I could definitely feel myself slipping back into the black pit of depression as time went on. I lost all motivation and felt disinterested in nearly everything. I had a couple of intense panic attacks. I cried harder and more often than I had in a long time. The self-loathing I felt was very real and very awful, and I hated myself even more for dragging Eric down with me and making him feel completely helpless while I cried and freaked out and was just generally unpleasant to be around. I was angry and sad and went through some really dark moments of "I wish I could just end it now."
So I understand. I really really do. And just know that I'm happy to lend an ear (or eye, I guess, since we'd be emailing one another) if you ever need or want to talk. Sometimes writing it out can help ... That's why I've always loved writing and journaling. (Though I definitely understand the fear that someone will stumble upon it and read things that were never meant for anyone but yourself!) Sometimes it can help to know someone else out there has felt the same way. Sometimes it's just nice to have support ... To know that someone else out there is fighting too and wishes you nothing but success in battling those thoughts and feelings.
For me, it never goes away completely. It comes and goes in waves, and sometimes those waves threaten to break over me and pull me under. But I do have moments of lightness, and sometimes that's what keeps me going: the promise that maybe things might look a little better in a week, month, etc. I'll be thinking of you and I mean it: don't ever hesitate to contact me if you need to vent to someone. (Or for anything, really ... You know I'm always up for talking about books, music, and a bunch of other things if you just need to throw your focus and energy into something else for a while.)
Thank you for being so open and honest Erin. Having these conversations at large I hope help you just as much as they help the conversation at large. It takes immense amount of strength to do what you did in this post and to take the steps that it sounds like you have to work towards making things better. Reading through this entire thing made me wish I could climb through the screen and give you a giant hug. I'm always here if you need a conversation, even if it's a long distraction on something you love, I may be an ocean away but I am always available.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you're going through this and I apologize for not responding to this blog post sooner I've been just crazy behind. I hope you know how wonderful you are and then I'm so so very happy that I get to count you among my friends. I want you to know you can always email me send me a Snapchat or anything like that if you need to talk.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you're going through this right now, but I'm glad you are opening up about it. I think the more honest people are about their struggle with depression, the more we can tear down that stigma and get others the help they need. And I'm glad you're getting help. I hope you start to bounce back soon.
ReplyDelete