Heavy

Teens, adults; work colleagues, school friends; the successful, the unsuccessful; the unknown, the revered; Oscar & Grammy winners. 

Suicide.  It impacts and reaches into the lives of so many.  We continue to talk about it, but we continue to see lives extinguished that are experiencing turmoil and turbulence.

It's Saturday night.  I'm looking at articles, watching youtube videos, and reading lyrics because of the death of Linkin Park's Chester Bennington. 

Lyrics like these:

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
from 2000's "Crawling"

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain 'til it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
from 2003's "Somewhere I Belong"

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me
from 2007's "Given Up"

Now in my remains
Are promises that never came
Set the silence free
To wash away the worst of me
from 2012's "In My Remains"

I wanna fall wide awake
Watch the ground giving way now
You tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight
But nobody can save me now
I'm holding up a light
I'm chasing up the darkness inside
'Cause nobody can save me
from 2017's "Nobody Can Save Me"

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
from 2017's "Heavy"

Did I know Chester Bennington?  No.  But, I've known pain, confusion, darkness, depression.  Do I know his journey?  No.  All of our journeys are unique.  But, when I read that someone's journey has led to the outcome of Chester's, I ache.  And, I contemplate my own journey.

Personally, I've used Lifeline before.  I've called that number when I didn't know who to call.  I have family and loved ones who would want to tell me that I'm special, worthwhile, valued...but there have been dark times in my life when I was lost enough I didn't want to turn to them.  So, I called Lifeline, and I'm grateful that I did. 

Lifeline Australia 24/7 hotline: 13 11 14

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline USA 24/7: 1 800 273 8255

This link may be one of the most helpful things I've ever seen on Wikipedia:  List of suicide crisis lines by country

Rest in Peace, Chester

from Linkin Park's twitter

Relapse

Depression sucks. 

And, I'm in the middle of seeing a great-big-ugly-uninvited visitor named "Relapse".

But, I'm fighting the fight.  I don't feel like I'm winning the battle right now, but I keep fighting.  I see that as a good thing.

My therapist (because I'm starting to see her again on a more regular basis) wants me to start focusing on some positives; she wants me to give myself credit for the big and little things, so I give myself credit that I'm still fighting.  That's big because I really don't feel like fighting.

My biggest tormentor is me.  I am HARD on myself.  I blame myself for things that I don't deserve the blame.  I've gotten worse as I've gotten older.  I think it's because I have done things in the past that I deserve to be judged harshly, so I turn this into judging everything I do harshly and unfairly. 

I mask this well.  Sometimes, I am a master at hiding the ugliness that is inside me. 

Other times, I'm terrible at hiding my feelings.  I lose control of them, and I cry or get incredibly irritable. 

I am up and down; high and low; flat and spiked; numb, yet overly sensitive.

I feel like I don't make any sense at all.

I do NOT like this part of me.  I hate it actually.  And, this turns into an ugly spiral of self-hatred.

I've had two different dreams in recent months where I've attempted suicide in the dreams.  They scared me.  I knew I had to act.  So, I'm battling.

Medications have been reviewed and altered.  Other medical conditions (that can contribute to depression) have been analyzed.  There are talks of endocrinologists and psychiatrists.

My g.p. has referred me to another dietitian (or is it dietician?  I think this is one of those American vs. Australian spellings that has me confused).  I haven't gone yet because I'm an emotional eater, and I don't want to be told to stop eating what I'm eating. 

Therapy sessions have increased.  We're even considering group counseling sessions too because I have an unbelievable ability to show empathy to others and want to support and encourage them, all the while I'm tearing myself apart.

I battle by forcing myself to continue to socialize.  I am really feeling like hiding under covers and only talking to my cats.  But, forcing myself to go and do, even if I'm not fully enjoying it, is still a win for me.

I battle by focusing on things that do give me pleasure.  You see my slight obsession with book challenges?  Well, they bring me pleasure.  So, I throw myself into them and soak up as much pleasure as I can.

My therapist wants me to journal more.  I guess this post can be considered a journal entry.  Sorta.  Except my journal is supposed to be where I tell my deepest, darkest thoughts without worrying that anyone will read them. 

Last night, Ricky licked tears from my face.  My husband rubbed my back as I cried.  What was I crying about?  That I hate this part of me.  I just want it to go away and leave. 

I feel like I'm letting my husband down and adding to his burdens (he already has enough stress of being a small business owner.)

I am appreciative and grateful for loving support.

I know some of you battle too.  Keep battling with me.

Solitude

In the busy lives that we lead with commitments and obligations, work and play, house duties and personal relationships, parenting and mentoring, appointments and schedules............and more..................do you ever just want a piece of solitude?  I do.  I know others do.  After all, there are pins on pinterest about it, so it must be a "thing", right? 

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I'm craving a time-out at the moment.  I'm craving some solitude.  I want to hide.  I don't want television or a phone.  I want quiet.  I am pretty certain my guy needs it too. I want to give him a week or 3 days or whatever he needs to have a break from all work and home obligations. I want a week or 3 days of the same. It has nothing to do with our lack of love or commitment to each other and everything to do with a need for quiet and solitude.  I believe having some solo time for a mental health break and emotional rejuvenation is a good thing.

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Sometimes my life has too.much.noise.   Sometimes, dealing with the general public in a customer service type role, I hate people.  Not all people.  Just rude, idiotic, self-centered, uncooperative people.  I've been getting those kind of customers the last couple of weeks.  I want a break.  I want quiet.  I want solitude. 

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I don't intend for this post to sound like it is filled with negativity.  I really want it to be encouraging for us to bring self-care in our lives.  I need some self-care.  I need solitude.

What do you do for self-care?

 



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