Heavy

Teens, adults; work colleagues, school friends; the successful, the unsuccessful; the unknown, the revered; Oscar & Grammy winners. 

Suicide.  It impacts and reaches into the lives of so many.  We continue to talk about it, but we continue to see lives extinguished that are experiencing turmoil and turbulence.

It's Saturday night.  I'm looking at articles, watching youtube videos, and reading lyrics because of the death of Linkin Park's Chester Bennington. 

Lyrics like these:

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
from 2000's "Crawling"

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain 'til it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
from 2003's "Somewhere I Belong"

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me
from 2007's "Given Up"

Now in my remains
Are promises that never came
Set the silence free
To wash away the worst of me
from 2012's "In My Remains"

I wanna fall wide awake
Watch the ground giving way now
You tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight
But nobody can save me now
I'm holding up a light
I'm chasing up the darkness inside
'Cause nobody can save me
from 2017's "Nobody Can Save Me"

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
from 2017's "Heavy"

Did I know Chester Bennington?  No.  But, I've known pain, confusion, darkness, depression.  Do I know his journey?  No.  All of our journeys are unique.  But, when I read that someone's journey has led to the outcome of Chester's, I ache.  And, I contemplate my own journey.

Personally, I've used Lifeline before.  I've called that number when I didn't know who to call.  I have family and loved ones who would want to tell me that I'm special, worthwhile, valued...but there have been dark times in my life when I was lost enough I didn't want to turn to them.  So, I called Lifeline, and I'm grateful that I did. 

Lifeline Australia 24/7 hotline: 13 11 14

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline USA 24/7: 1 800 273 8255

This link may be one of the most helpful things I've ever seen on Wikipedia:  List of suicide crisis lines by country

Rest in Peace, Chester

from Linkin Park's twitter

Fur kids are family too

I don't know how to write this without telling a backstory.  But, that story is lengthy.  And, not one that I am capable of typing now.  So, here is a terribly condensed version.

I picked up a red merle Australian Shepherd puff ball in August 2003.  I was living in California, and my step-mother had just passed away from brain cancer.  I was in a very sad place, for a variety of reasons, and this guy brought so much love and joy into my life.  I named him Jesse James (because Jon Bon Jovi has a son named this too.)

I moved back to Texas and Jesse moved with me.  Jesse was my baby.  I've never shared a relationship with an animal like mine with Jesse James.  I had a significant other at the time.  He was an important part of Jesse's life as well. 

When I moved to Australia, leaving Jesse behind was one of the most difficult, heartbreaking decisions.  I felt like a parent abandoning her child.  The boyfriend (who was now an ex, and he was pretty heartbroken himself) had so much love for Jesse that he stepped up and took responsibility for him.  I know this person gave Jesse love, companionship, and a home that he deserved.  I am eternally grateful to him for that.  Words can't express my gratitude.

Jesse James passed away on the morning of Wednesday, the 2nd of March, 2016.  I'm shattered.  I've known for about 90 minutes.  I've been mourning his loss from my life since late 2008, but I knew he was living a happy, well-cared-for life, and that brought me comfort.  Now, I'm just mourning his loss. 

Jesse James, May 2003 - March 2016

I had just pulled up this photo for a different blog post - one of those Q&A ones - it asked about all the pets I've had - I answered including this picture and the special bond I had with this guy.

Book #29 #30 #31 #32

Since I last posted about my reading adventures, I've read four more books.  Here they are:

Book # 29

Book # 29 - Love is a Mix Tape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time by Rob Sheffield - The author is a music journalist, and I've seen him on several VH1 shows where they are talking about loving the '80s or other compilation type music shows.  I like music.  I like books.  I made mix tapes.  I have experienced love, life, and loss.  This was a book for me.  Many, many of the music references are from the indie rock world (not exactly my world of music), but the author and I are close to the same age.  He makes a few hair band references and chronicles musical genres/decades that I can easily follow.  He has a few other published books that I've added to my "to read" list. 

Book # 30

Book # 30 - Dark Places by Gillian Flynn - I preferred this book to the author's much more popular Gone Girl.  It was dark and disturbing, but I still found myself relating to the main character. 

Book # 31

Book # 31 - The Mourning Hours by Paula Treick DeBoard - This book was recommended on www.goodreads.com because of my reading lists and ratings of other books.  I'm glad it was.  It was another heart-wrenching, tumultous family crime type book (like the previous one), and I liked it even more than the previous one.  Never heard of the author; never heard of the book; but it was a good one. 

Book # 32

Book # 32 - Life After Death by Damien Echols - Damien Echols spent 18 years on death row for a heinous crime that he most likely did not commit.  This book does not go into detail about that crime.  You can google West Memphis 3 to find enough articles about that.  This book is insight to a person's psyche who lives over half his life on death row.  I'm a supporter of strong punishment for people who commit unspeakable, heinous crimes.  But, I also know that there are people on death row who don't belong there.  Huge dilemma, I know.  I find Damien Echols fascinating, and I think he appreciates his freedom and the little things in life a whole lot more than most of us.