Heavy

Teens, adults; work colleagues, school friends; the successful, the unsuccessful; the unknown, the revered; Oscar & Grammy winners. 

Suicide.  It impacts and reaches into the lives of so many.  We continue to talk about it, but we continue to see lives extinguished that are experiencing turmoil and turbulence.

It's Saturday night.  I'm looking at articles, watching youtube videos, and reading lyrics because of the death of Linkin Park's Chester Bennington. 

Lyrics like these:

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
from 2000's "Crawling"

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain 'til it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
from 2003's "Somewhere I Belong"

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me
from 2007's "Given Up"

Now in my remains
Are promises that never came
Set the silence free
To wash away the worst of me
from 2012's "In My Remains"

I wanna fall wide awake
Watch the ground giving way now
You tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight
But nobody can save me now
I'm holding up a light
I'm chasing up the darkness inside
'Cause nobody can save me
from 2017's "Nobody Can Save Me"

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
from 2017's "Heavy"

Did I know Chester Bennington?  No.  But, I've known pain, confusion, darkness, depression.  Do I know his journey?  No.  All of our journeys are unique.  But, when I read that someone's journey has led to the outcome of Chester's, I ache.  And, I contemplate my own journey.

Personally, I've used Lifeline before.  I've called that number when I didn't know who to call.  I have family and loved ones who would want to tell me that I'm special, worthwhile, valued...but there have been dark times in my life when I was lost enough I didn't want to turn to them.  So, I called Lifeline, and I'm grateful that I did. 

Lifeline Australia 24/7 hotline: 13 11 14

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline USA 24/7: 1 800 273 8255

This link may be one of the most helpful things I've ever seen on Wikipedia:  List of suicide crisis lines by country

Rest in Peace, Chester

from Linkin Park's twitter

Relapse

Depression sucks. 

And, I'm in the middle of seeing a great-big-ugly-uninvited visitor named "Relapse".

But, I'm fighting the fight.  I don't feel like I'm winning the battle right now, but I keep fighting.  I see that as a good thing.

My therapist (because I'm starting to see her again on a more regular basis) wants me to start focusing on some positives; she wants me to give myself credit for the big and little things, so I give myself credit that I'm still fighting.  That's big because I really don't feel like fighting.

My biggest tormentor is me.  I am HARD on myself.  I blame myself for things that I don't deserve the blame.  I've gotten worse as I've gotten older.  I think it's because I have done things in the past that I deserve to be judged harshly, so I turn this into judging everything I do harshly and unfairly. 

I mask this well.  Sometimes, I am a master at hiding the ugliness that is inside me. 

Other times, I'm terrible at hiding my feelings.  I lose control of them, and I cry or get incredibly irritable. 

I am up and down; high and low; flat and spiked; numb, yet overly sensitive.

I feel like I don't make any sense at all.

I do NOT like this part of me.  I hate it actually.  And, this turns into an ugly spiral of self-hatred.

I've had two different dreams in recent months where I've attempted suicide in the dreams.  They scared me.  I knew I had to act.  So, I'm battling.

Medications have been reviewed and altered.  Other medical conditions (that can contribute to depression) have been analyzed.  There are talks of endocrinologists and psychiatrists.

My g.p. has referred me to another dietitian (or is it dietician?  I think this is one of those American vs. Australian spellings that has me confused).  I haven't gone yet because I'm an emotional eater, and I don't want to be told to stop eating what I'm eating. 

Therapy sessions have increased.  We're even considering group counseling sessions too because I have an unbelievable ability to show empathy to others and want to support and encourage them, all the while I'm tearing myself apart.

I battle by forcing myself to continue to socialize.  I am really feeling like hiding under covers and only talking to my cats.  But, forcing myself to go and do, even if I'm not fully enjoying it, is still a win for me.

I battle by focusing on things that do give me pleasure.  You see my slight obsession with book challenges?  Well, they bring me pleasure.  So, I throw myself into them and soak up as much pleasure as I can.

My therapist wants me to journal more.  I guess this post can be considered a journal entry.  Sorta.  Except my journal is supposed to be where I tell my deepest, darkest thoughts without worrying that anyone will read them. 

Last night, Ricky licked tears from my face.  My husband rubbed my back as I cried.  What was I crying about?  That I hate this part of me.  I just want it to go away and leave. 

I feel like I'm letting my husband down and adding to his burdens (he already has enough stress of being a small business owner.)

I am appreciative and grateful for loving support.

I know some of you battle too.  Keep battling with me.

Blogger Love vol.5

Let's kick this week off with a little "blogger love", shall we?  We shall.

From Jo - Ten books every feisty female should read - I love the word "feisty"; I love the title of the blog post; and I love that the post lists books I've never read.

Isabel posted: The hardest thing about living abroad: being present.  I know the feelings that she is sharing all too well.

Lindsay talks about Introspection, and I could really relate.  That very same day, I'd seen a meme that fit perfectly with her post, so I shared it.

Mattie shared The post I never wanted to write about the sudden loss of her (step)dad.  It was so heartfelt, a beautiful tribute, and a reminder to appreciate our loved ones even just a little bit more.

If you've been around these parts, you know that I love me some Jana and when she opened up (even more) On depression and infertility, I applauded her voice, her honesty, and her vulnerability.

This post by Ramblin' Rose had me giggling: If I was a real blogger.  It reminded me of sentiments shared in my own post: Confessions of a lame blogger.

Kristen posted (her) favorite angry songs: music for every pissed off occasion.  I don't even know all the songs, but you bet your angry self I'm going to listen to them.  I'm a big supporter of angry music when the times call for it.

Have you read any blogs lately that resonated with you that you want to share with me?

Thoughts #8 - Charlotte

Photo from  Getty Images Entertainment - Photo by Don Arnold

I moved to Australia December 2008.  I'm still not "in the know" about many Australian celebrities.  Prior to this past weekend, Charlotte Dawson is someone I was aware of.  What I knew:  she was a judge on Australia's Next Top Model, she was a former model, and she was the ex-wife of a former Olympic swimmer surrounded by his own controversies. Also, I knew she was the victim of some vicious "trolling" activity against her on social media.

What I know now:  She was 47 years old, and her lifeless body was found in her apartment on Sunday the 23rd of February; apparent suicide.  This news report gives a good background of her life, death, and problems she faced:  Charlotte Dawson Found Dead After Long and Public Battle with Depression.

As I write this blog, over 150,000 signatures have been added to a petition calling for stronger cyber bullying legislation - Charlotte's Law.

Another article that I feel was beautifully written is this one:  "I didn't know Charlotte, but this is why I cried for her today".

Photo from Getty Images Entertainment - Photo by Lisa Maree Williams

That's the background...here are my thoughts:

I know "celebrity" deaths are not uncommon.  I know everyday there are many non-celebrities who commit suicide.  This story is just one of those stories about a person who was struggling in the public eye, was brutally attacked on social media (that whole 'sticks and stones' saying ain't true; words can hurt...they can hurt a lot), and still she wasn't saved from her own sadness and hopelessness.  It's made me think so much about how we treat others; how flippant, ugly comments hurt; how mental illness is not something to be ashamed of; how treating someone with kindness may help them endure their own burdens; how asking for help when you need it is critical...there's so many lessons to learn from Charlotte's story.

 "Trolls" and bullies have to be stopped. They are hurtful, hateful, damaging, and dangerous. If a grown woman, seemingly successful and beautiful, was hurt so much by such grotesque remarks, think about teenagers and children who are bullied. Think about their coping skills. Think about the damage it does to their self-esteem and what long-lasting effects such words and actions can cause. 


A friend of mine posted this on facebook, and I agree with her words, so I'll share them:  

"I have signed it (the petition) for the simple fact that I think sitting behind a computer and telling someone who was so sensitive and fragile minded to go "hang herself or shove her head in a toaster and eliminate herself from this world is kind of pathetic and cowardly. I have seen people comment on bullying and telling the victim to "harden the fuck up" or get over it. Some of us are not so tough, some of us take things differently. I have also seen comments of "freedom of speech" etc. Yep an opinion is one thing but attacking someone is a complete different story. I know people who have mental illnesses. I know people have felt there was no other choice but to end their lives. I don't want this to be someone I love and care for in the future." 

Being kind is free.  Awareness takes a little thought and a little effort, but is so important.  Treat others with kindness. Think before you speak. Embrace differences. If you need help, ask. 

Two websites and hotlines you can use anonymously -
Australia:  http://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help
USA:  http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/